Dear Diary:
I am wondering at myself for the past few months there. Wondering why I was not picking up the phone when a friend rang or responding when they texted requesting a lunch date, sometimes white-lying a text back saying I was "too busy," sometimes white-lying further and inventing something.
Lying down for a nap today the phone rings from a friend who's supposed to be on a 3 month cruise, I don't pick up and I lay there and thought, what the hell is going on with my non-answering such calls.
And then the bells went off and I realized that 99% of all recent friend contact made to me out here on The Rock is someone requesting something. With the exception of family and friends from the good old days.
I wasn't mistaken today. Cruise friend had left a message saying she was leaving on October 1st and there was a new urgency in her life regarding the book I had been helping her with (a memoir) . Apparently she had shared the contents with a friend and the friend had gone ahead and written her own memoir on the same theme and now maybe I could edit the remaining chapters while she was gone and then fire it off to a publisher forthwith as there was a rush now.
Note there is no offer of payment even though a 3 month cruise must cost a fortune.
I should add she's not alone in these types of requests. I get request for all kinds of free help, writing, editing, accounting, financial and taxation advice. Usually prefaced with "You're so good at this and it will only take you a few minutes." Note upon requesting the free work they also devalue it.
I took a long hard look at myself after playing this message and thought why am I attracting these kinds of people into my life?
Obviously I'm a people pleaser. But when most of my relationships are transactional in some hidden way it makes me stop and reevaluate all of them. A lunch is cheap when you're looking for hundreds of dollars worth of free work.
My energy is compromised as I have ongoing health issues but I note I am rarely if ever asked how my health is. Most commonly I am told "you don't look sick" or " you look full of beans to me." Why thank you, when did you get your doctorate?" I think.
This morning there was an email from someone who wanted a "bit of training" as she was now a treasurer of a group and had no experience with spreadsheets. I responded, of course before the bells went off in the afternoon.
I feel remarkably stupid for not seeing all this before.
I am currently doing paid work for a writer who respects me and pays me well. So there's the upside.
I need to spend more time with friends who want nothing from me, though they are often distant from me geographically.
And any free labour from here on in is verboten.
Watch this space.
Well done for recognising your worth - even late. And good luck on using that short, important and difficult word. No. And perhaps add Never to it.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a massive learning curve for me EC. I shared it with one of my bros today and honestly, he was so shocked at my doing this free stuff as it would never cross his mind not to value himself.
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I must tell you a story. My sister could never say No to any of the people who made such freebie requests of her time and talent. So I asked all the women in the room to just casually, over the course of the next few hours, to make innocuous requests: Can you watch my dog next week; will you take me to XYZ; can you give a talk to me group...And I would say Just Say No. After a bit she asked what was going on and we said we were retraining her to say No. It took several more sessions, but we finally got her to stop for a minute, and then say No.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant idea Joanne. I am now dealing with a bit of a barrage pf emails and texts after I said no, to please please please help, It will only take a phonecall, etc. I know how this works. I usually give in. I'm wondering if I should respond another no to the second requests, or just ignore them?
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Good for you! Better late than never.
ReplyDelete--Cheerful Monk
Thank you Jean. It's a huge learning curve for me so late in life.
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I used to do a lot of things for nothing as well, though when asked to clean a kitchen or bathroom for people expecting an inspection I have asked them to pay because the rooms in question are usually filthy and it's hard work getting them to my standard. I think if a person really wants your help they should be happy to pay the cost and if you don't have the time, then say so and let them find someone else.
ReplyDeleteIn the case of the cruise lady and her book you should let her know the rush job means extra work and she will have to pay you for it. Serves her right too for blabbing to her friend before her own book is published.
I feel that way about her blabbing too. No honour amongst thieves and these two are both ex-nuns. I don't even want money from her as it's not gladly done. She has already gotten about 30 hours free labour from me.
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"No experience with spreadsheets?!"
ReplyDeletePull the other one, Mary's friend.You just want to unload some work onto someone else.
I've become very picky with my friendships as I've got older - my acquaintances are either Energisers or Drainers.
I look after the former and ditch the latter, quietly of course so they don't make a fuss because Drainers make a fuss about everything. xxx
I love the energizers and miss so many of these now passed. I have a few left. I need to run more from the vampires and be really really firm.
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My energizers are falling by the wayside too, one is very unwell and one has escaped to the land of dementia.
DeleteI need to be their energisers now, which is as it should be.
One of my dear ones has dementia too YS. It breaks my heart.
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YES!!!! I have seen the same pattern, copy-editing, proofreading, even translating, shold be done for free. Here normally things to do with accounting is paid for.
ReplyDeleteWe have to stop devaluating ouselves AND our work - because I think this non-valuation of linguistic and writing skills is one of the reasons behind today's lousy language skills. I back you up 100 %!
Thanks Charlotte. I love (not!) how so many of the interactions involve saying "it will only be a few minutes," as they hand me 100 pages or 2 years of tax returns.
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Ah, yes, the reason I always give money to those who pick me up or drop me off, just tuck into their cupholder if they say there is no need. Our critter sitter is a doll and does so much for us. I always give her whatever cash I might have in my pocket. I pay her big bucks when she does the actual "sitting."
ReplyDeleteA neighbor had her lawn cut by another neighbor's grandson. I mentioned giving him some money. "Oh, his parents are wealthy, he doesn't need any money from me." Good grief. I tried to explain that children should always be paid for such jobs. Well, she didn't agree, and it turns out, the boy never came and did her lawn again.
And the irony Delaine as that those users always expect payment for what they do. It's so demeaning.
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When I was starting as a doula, I charged $800 for the complete service: three meetings before the birth, attendance at the birth for as long as it took and a meeting after the mum and baby went home.
ReplyDeleteA couple I worked with were offered for the dad to have a fold out bed at the hospital overnight and stay with the new mum & bub. The charge was $400 and they accepted it without a second of hesitation.
I went home and added $500 to my price.
Lesson learned
It's lovely to get a wakeup isn't it Kylie no matter how long it takes. I'm not kicking myself too hard for the mountains of free work I gave over the years. Just a "never again." Good for you!
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Been there! When I was storytelling I was often asked to perform for free...for a good cause, for exposure, etc. Frequently these gigs would require a long drive and hours of my time, in addition to my planning, practice and so on. I very rarely agreed to any of them, because my time was just too valuable to me to give away.
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