Downhill to the Barriers

My friend goes downhill rapidly. We talk. She wants me to come. So we can hold hands for a while. All expenses paid (she can afford it).

I didn't sleep last night. Tossing and turning. "I have to." "I can't." Nothing was clear. There are too many commitments here. Not least of which is to elder dog, Ansa, who is getting frailer by the day. The walk tonight was pitifully slow. She's gone a bit barky also because she's deaf and also "sees" danger in the shadows of trees. She will go down protecting me. I can't pass her over for care to anyone. For one, she can't jump into the car anymore plus she's too heavy to lift. And she's a real care now.

Next, I have a performance - advertised on teevee yet - this Saturday, sold out. Like, I don't show for this?

Then I have two separate PGs coming to stay next week.

I could go on, there's loads more but I'm boring myself to bits as it is. Someone reminded me of how sick I got the last time I was in Toronto and I positively dread the polluted air there. I have weak lungs (double pneumonia and pleurisy as a 9 year old)and last time was so bad I had to leave earlier than expected.

And guilt, we haven't talked guilt yet. I'd love to see her and there is such urgency to it as she tells me she's terrified her brain won't be there by the weekend even. I cry a lot of useless tears.

But, I can't surmount all these obstacles to get to her. And I'm old. Did I mention that? And, um, tired and not overly well myself. And still reeling from Helen's death. And Laura's death.

Apologies to faithful readers: I'll get around to reading your blogs one of these days. Promise.

Laura

I don't think I can stand anymore.

Another friend, a very dear friend, dies this afternoon after a very brief illness. Yeah, her name was Laura. I've known her for nearly 30 years. She was 14 years older than me but we spent a lot of time together. Concentrated time as she'd moved away and I'd spend weekends with her and she stayed one time with me out here on the Edge.

I spoke to her last about 10 days ago. She'd had a few health issues but was recovering beautifully.

I posted the picture of the movie up there as we both loved that movie and we each had a copy.

The memories are crowding in on me now, so very, very many. We spent a huge amount of time together and she was enormous fun, I loved her laugh. She was dedicated to the colour purple and to a husband who typified the "Long Goodbye" - he had 20 years of Alzheimer's.

She embraced technology quite late in life and I loved her cheerful emails. And her cards. She'd find a card and think of me and pretend it was my birthday and send it to me. It became a long standing joke.

I did a post about her finding and loving a son she'd given up for adoption when she was 15 - 60 years later.

And I can't find it which distresses me.

It's as if I could hold on to her longer if I found it.