My friend goes downhill rapidly. We talk. She wants me to come. So we can hold hands for a while. All expenses paid (she can afford it).
I didn't sleep last night. Tossing and turning. "I have to." "I can't." Nothing was clear. There are too many commitments here. Not least of which is to elder dog, Ansa, who is getting frailer by the day. The walk tonight was pitifully slow. She's gone a bit barky also because she's deaf and also "sees" danger in the shadows of trees. She will go down protecting me. I can't pass her over for care to anyone. For one, she can't jump into the car anymore plus she's too heavy to lift. And she's a real care now.
Next, I have a performance - advertised on teevee yet - this Saturday, sold out. Like, I don't show for this?
Then I have two separate PGs coming to stay next week.
I could go on, there's loads more but I'm boring myself to bits as it is. Someone reminded me of how sick I got the last time I was in Toronto and I positively dread the polluted air there. I have weak lungs (double pneumonia and pleurisy as a 9 year old)and last time was so bad I had to leave earlier than expected.
And guilt, we haven't talked guilt yet. I'd love to see her and there is such urgency to it as she tells me she's terrified her brain won't be there by the weekend even. I cry a lot of useless tears.
But, I can't surmount all these obstacles to get to her. And I'm old. Did I mention that? And, um, tired and not overly well myself. And still reeling from Helen's death. And Laura's death.
Apologies to faithful readers: I'll get around to reading your blogs one of these days. Promise.
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ReplyDeleteI know being torn, know the tears and definitely know the guilt.Sending hugs
ReplyDeleteThanks CC12, the guilts are the worst, and now that I've told her she's trying to make it all happen next week.
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Keep busy. That is the ticket. And don't worry about visiting blogs. They won't run away.
ReplyDeleteRamana, I'm so busy my head is spinning. It is almost frightening.
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You have so much going on, and much of it is good, that getting around to blogs is the least of it. Please take care of yourself in all of this as you support and take care of others. You want to be able to enjoy the good parts:)
ReplyDeleteThanks Sharon - I'm trying to focus on what's working in my life rather than what isn't which swept me sideways when I got up this morning. Not good at all.
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Dilemmas, dilemmas. I won't give you any gratuitous and probably useless advice. But I hope you find a way of reconciling the competing demands. Looking after Ansa seems like the biggest priority right now. Poor frail elderly doggie.
ReplyDeleteYou're right Nick, I can't leave her, and the day has turned around a bit in a more favourable direction. I often compare it to sailing and wind and sun, you know? In a nice slow breeze at the mo and things are sorting themselves out. In spite of me.
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So sorry that Ansa is getting slow and unable to jump into the car any more. My elderly dog reached that stage several months ago, and I took him to the vet with a heavy heart. HOWEVER . . . he was given Metacam for his painful joints and within 2 days he was up on his feet again and even eager to go walkies again. I bought a ramp for him to access the car and as long as I ration how much exercise he has, he keeps very well indeed. Metacam is a miracle drug - he has it every evening on his dinner.
ReplyDeleteWhere did you get the ramp and meta cam is noted too. Thank you so much!
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I got Zac's ramp from Amazon; it's a folding wooden one, but that's quite heavy. There are several types available, depending on how the dog accesses the car - back door, side door. As a general rule, the longer the ramp, the better, to give the dog a less steep climb.
DeleteThis one truly understands, Try to be still, do not think, take care of what is around you, if not important LET IT GO.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing is to take care of you.
Find a little pocket of Peace.
You have sent me wonderful pictures of the breeze blowing, view of the ocean,
blue skies, sit and enjoy it.
Love you....the one who lives by the woods.
Yes I had to make that decision Ernestine painful. I've always put myself last in such decisions often with very unhappy results too. I could entertain you all night with stories of spurn after I did so. Love you too my friend!
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For the last few years, the most wrenching times have come when I've realized that my illness means I can't be there for others in any kind of physical way. You're faced with issues with your own physical and financial well being, commitments, and the health of your Ansa. I wouldn't presume to make a suggestion as to which decision you should make, but rather just want to let you know that if you decide you cannot go, you're not alone in having to make such terrible decisions.
ReplyDeleteYes you nailed it Linda I feltl terrible as my health issues were so comparitively minor compared with her terminal situation but serious to me. Plus the financial impact of lost rental which I couldn't mention to her as she'd just add it to what she was already covering. I'm trying to sort out all my feelings on this and so very grateful to your total understanding of it. The human condition and its complexity never ceases to amaze me.
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Sometimes it's just too much and you are better to stay home, stay put, and do what you can from home base.
ReplyDeleteDKZ I guess it will get easier as we all age and hopping to it becomes a relic of our past, right?
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BTW, captcha is still there. Just had to choose all the street signs and then check that Im not a robot.
ReplyDeleteSeriously? I think defaults on Blogger are some kind of elaborate hoax. Seriously.
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Thinking of you and wishing that I could help. I know how it is with poor old doggies and how much harder when one is old oneself. And I'm losing friends, too. But we keep on going, don't we.
ReplyDeleteThanks Hattie, I feel I too am in the middle of a jolly carousel watching loved ones fall off in the middle of the spin.
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I am taking a different route to your other commentators. Go. Ansa can be looked after. If need be by a vet. If you are so important to your friend that she'd cover all expenses including your possible loss of earnings (PG) then what's keeping you?
ReplyDeleteIf you don't, guilt, a superfluous yet powerful emotion, will kick in. It's a given. Guilt being the very one I try and avoid. Says she who still feels guilty over shit from decades ago making no difference to anyone now yet would have at the time. It's difficult. I am in a similar dilemma with my mother. She swears she is heading towards exit every time we speak on the phone (which is once or twice a week). Leaving aside that she is as fit as a fiddle only her gas running out, and all other reasons aside, for starters my passport has run out. I am currently stuck on these isles. So told her, in no uncertain terms, that she'll just have to hang on in there till I make it to the motherland. I know it sounds cruel. It isn't. And, of course, once someone is dead, whether your friend or my mother, they won't know that we weren't there to say good bye. Aren't I such a source of comfort and reassurance, dear WWW?
Hug,
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It's odd this Ursula because I am finding the money she has and is offering is wrecking the relationships of everyone around her. No one is being give the opportunity to be there just because they're compassionate or kind. it is appalling. Even myself. I had to question my own motivations when she injected money into the equation, being poorer than a church mouse I felt I was being "bought." And others share the same feeling.
DeleteSomething absolutely none of us have experienced before.
It is shrouding everything in a stink. Seriously. I could go on with more examples but no.
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I don't know what I would do. Very difficult. Somehow I think the decision will come to you or be made for you. I would tell myself to concentrate on today and see what happens.?
ReplyDeleteBe good. xxx
Thanks Betty I am at peace with the decision I made which was not to go. And every day reinforces this.
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