Deserving to be Happy

I've always struggled with this, even as a child. Being happy I mean. I think much of it had to do with the inculcated "vale of tears" philosophy of my Irish RC upbringing. The suspicious questions if I did look happy, given by all around me, teachers, priests, relatives: "And what are you looking so happy about?" as if it were a bad thing, as if I was up to no good. So yeah, happy became a burden, not to be flaunted, hidden away secretly, not talked about - I mean with all that suffering going on in the world, why would you be the one showing off there with your silly smile? Think of the starving orphans, those "Black Babies" in Africa, now wipe that grin off your face.

Shouldn't happiness be our default position in life? Allowing for the timeouts of grief and sadness and disappointment you'd think 90% of our lives should be filled with joy, bliss even. But no. I fight it at times. That old guilt thing again. Life would be better if.....only my knees didn't hurt....I had more money.....my health was better.

I was preparing a workshop today, #3 in a series I'm giving. I love this work. It is gratifying to see the large class, to be the encourager, the catalyst, the igniter at times. And I was reviewing and notating last week's homework and I realized how truly happy I was doing this work, loving this work. Not over the moon stuff, but a contentment that this is exactly the kind of life I'm meant to be living. A life that's making me happy.

I was on my occasional library shift yesterday and again, I got swept up in that feeling without being conscious of it then, as I stamped books and chatted with patrons about reading. That yes, this, this is exactly what I should be doing.

And hell, how happy is that?

Antidote

....view last night from my front deck....

Antidote to what, you might ask? Well, life.

A friend has been making these posts about "What makes me happy today." So I thought to adapt it and use it myself. Focus on the good stuff. I felt the stress pile up again, too much on the platter at the moment. Too much bursting of bubbles too. I feel I was living in one for a while and now it's smashed wide open and I see my delusion, my tolerance and excuse making for some pretty nasty behaviour exhibited towards me. And while there's freedom in that awakening, there's also grieving. We only truly grieve broken dreams, I believe. I don't like waking up to reality but once I'm through a few days of it there's a wonderful freedom in the untethering of expectations.

So here's my happies for today:

I was gifted with a whole evening to myself. A meeting was cancelled as we didn't have a quorum.

I found a pot of thyme. You need to know how much I adore thyme and can never, ever find it in Newfoundland. I found a wee pot today. It is sitting in my kitchen window as if we have sun.

I planned out the menus for friends who are arriving to stay for a while. I love planning menus and looking at well used recipes. One of the friends can't tolerate garlic or onions so I enjoyed the challenge of leaving my very favourite ingredients out of things and substituting (lime anyone?)

I hung some pictures, I don't know why I haven't hung them here before as they all have meaning.

And while I was hanging them, I thought: why aren't you hanging your own pictures? So I'll get a few blown up and framed. That will make me even happier, seeing my own work on my walls.