Things go along really well but then, like a bolt out of the blue, that Old Black Dog thunders into my psyche. I'd been in denial for a while. Noticed some subtle changes in my behaviour and the absence of any kind of joy. Desiring just to be Left Alone. Not reading too many blogs, not doing much of anything apart from socks. I couldn't stop knitting socks. Ripping socks. Re-knitting socks.
Avoiding the phone. Lurking. Pretending I'm alright Jack at unavoidable social events. Fooling myself. And nobody else. Mentioned depression once to others, tossed it out there into the conversation pit, nobody bit, drew it back in again.
Just dying to get back home. And hide. And avoid.
"Aren't we all a bit bats?" said an old friend from Ontario on the phone today: by a fluke I picked it up when she rang, my 200lb telephone, "I think there's comfort in that, don't you?"
Well, sort of. My oldest friend is away, sunning herself on some beach in Portugal, unplugged. I miss her. This is completely illogical as she lives in Dublin but we track each other every day by email and the odd mailing and phone-call. And the Black Dog is our familiar, we bat him back and forth.
My perception of the world, in this condition, is that everyone is having a great time and I'm stuck somewhere, poised between frowning and lemon-faced, miserable, desperately lonely and wanting to stay that way. Forever. Being completely unfit for company as I am.
Did I mention the awful dreams?
They truly are.
Bear with me. This will pass.
I throw it out there as I know I'm not alone.
Sorry you're feeling this way. The good thing is you recognise it and know that things will get better....
ReplyDeleteIt has been a bitch of a winter. Hopefully sunlight and some warmth will be helpful!
ReplyDeleteHello there
ReplyDeleteI told the 'big black one' to bugger off years ago but his little 'blue friend' keeps hanging around. This pesky little one pops in every now and again and causes havoc.
As someone said, maybe a bit of sunshine will help and the return of your familiar confidant.
Just by chance I played some Buddy Wasisname and the other fellas music in the car today - reminded me of a couple of trips to Nfld and cheered me up no end.
Take care
Cathy
Depression is a horrible illness that is so misunderstood. The good thing is you know the signs and cycle of it.
ReplyDeleteThe Bleak...empty...useless...grayness of everything...when it comes on to me I let it wash over me and feel it as much as I possibly can, running from it or trying to ignore it only increases the fear of it and of it coming again... the more you let it wash over you and live in it and with it and become aware of yourself in those moments and how you feel the less you fear it and little by little it loses it's power. Anything looked at directly and experienced fully always ends up lessening it's impact... at least that is what has done it for me (you must do it repeatedly, every time it hits)
ReplyDeleteTry it, and that old black dog will become a shadow of itself or maybe leave never to return.
Ya got nuttin' ta lose, ya know?
WWW: You're not alone, no matter how persuasive the impression. It's an opportunistic monster, depression, but it passes, and this bout will pass too. Until it does, do what you need to do (or not do) to get through it. You're in my thoughts in Galway.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I have days (weeks) like this.
ReplyDeleteThis has been a tough winter all round.We had two spring days last week and now back to grey skies and howling wind. Still no word of when or if I'll be allowed to drive my car.
ReplyDeleteI am glad I am happy with my own company and fast becoming a recluse. Take care and remember the sun will come out tomorrow.... that is if he/she/it is not too busy clicking 'like' on the book of face! ;)
I appreciate your courage and honesty in putting it out there/here. Your compassion for your self comes through. Thank you. Lori
ReplyDeleteI always wonder at how people characterize their selves. I have much the same going on, including the dreams but never would I call this depression. It just is. A quiet, contemplative time of wondering, memory, confusion, being in myself, tears, anger, sorrow, questions unanswered, feeling insulated.
ReplyDeleteDepression? It never entered my mind to label it that way.
In spite of checking all that you listed, I would say, I have never in my life felt depressed.
What a tough thing to be going through. Please know that you're heard and wished well.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I have anything useful to say. I've never suffered from serious depression but I know how devastating and disabling it can be for those who do. I hope you emerge from it soon.
ReplyDeleteOh yes
ReplyDeleteI have taken that trip.
Know all about it.
Sunshine
and knowing someone will listen
and understand
helps.
You will rise again
trust me
love and good vibes sent to you
over the miles
I always picture it less like a dog and more like a mist. Not desperately unhappy but low and draggy. There's a Green Day song with lyrics, sung in a mocking chant, that capture that feeling:
ReplyDelete"Nobody likes you
Everyone's left you,
They're all out without you
Having fun."
I hope the black dog retreats soon.
You and I and our black dogs, and yes, those god awful dreams. I am going through the same thing myself right now, although I am temporarily relieved by better periods. The black dog is a mighty bitch this time and easily outwrestles me. I am glad she is not around 24 hours a day. You have my well meant sympathy, WWW. I commiserate with you in all ways. xox
ReplyDeleteHow did we survive in previous generations when we didn't have the medical *industry*. They have pathologized common human emotions: fear and apprehension become paranoia, being sad and melancholy, depressed, anger and refusal to roll over is oppositional defiant disorder, shame is self-loathing and on and on. In the era of the true Depression, during the Holocaust and other such times, people didn't have the benefit of being labelled WRONG. There was then, no money to be had at it, alas, until the pharmaceutical industry and psychobabble were invented in the 1960s.
ReplyDeleteCarry on. This is Mother Nature's cure you've got. When you are done with it, it will be gone. If it comes back, well, so does Spring.
You are not alone. Even though each person's experience is unique, there are many of us who recognize what you describe. Lots of good advice here from people who obviously care and know what they're talking about. It often takes a variety of strategies over a period of time for me to pull myself up and out. Over the last several months acupuncture has helped, as has giving myself a break. I hope you soon feel that "This too shall pass" and see the light at the end of the tunnel ~
ReplyDeleteStart reading The Philosopher's Mail. It will cheer you up.
ReplyDelete