It's been a while and you're way overdue.
Yeah, there's been changes. It seems to me you always sense these life altering corners I have to turn. You give me a few days, maybe a week, to feel confident and secure and then, without a knock on the door, in you walk bringing your cold breath and that murky miasma that clings to everything you touch.
I ran. Upstairs. And into bed. I couldn't face work, and there was a bit of it, not much, but I knew you'd take that weird position on my desk and shoot those thoughts into my head, the why bother ones, the life is hopeless ones, the lonely ones, the nobody really cares ones.
Bed is safe, though not as safe as with Ansa in it, I have to admit. It gives you free reign really when I'm this vulernable. Though you haven't stolen sleep from me yet. Maybe that will come.
My analytical mind just about destroys me after you show up. I think: what attracted you back. The Handicapped sticker the doctor suggested? My young friend saying to me yesterday she was having a hard time seeing me taking up residence in the apartment as we sat in it drinking coffee? The suggestion made by a facilitator-friend of taking the Living with Chronic Diseases series of workshops? Finding so much poignancy in every aspect of my life at the moment? Losing interest in cooking for myself?
Yeah, none of it mattered to you. You saw the opportunity and you rushed through the door.
I don't know if I can summon the energy to shove you out.
Maybe another perspective...don't "shove it out" live with it, really get into the center of the feeling while remaining aware of all thoughts and present moment reality then just try to let it blend into you, absorb it so you will never again have to fight it as it will become an integrated part of you that you abide with and accept as just a small part of you, no more fearing it as something overtaking you just a small niggle that you control instead of casting out and away to come back another day...just a thought, be well :)
ReplyDeleteCall your councilor, Patrick and be kind to yourself...There may be grief, fear and a whole raft of other emotions attached to the changes you are choosing to make. You don't have to feel like you are fighting or alone...Hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh. I'm sorry. I hope it passes soon.
ReplyDeleteYou can still go back. Make your life changes there, where you are *at home*. Close off the upstairs. Hang the sticker in the john. Sign up for home health visits once a week, and give your little friend you've helped out a new thing in her life, tell her now you need her to help you. But do it at home.
ReplyDeleteSurely do hope your dark mood is shor-lived.
ReplyDeleteDarkness certainly did not take away your ability to write. I am always in awe of your writing and this post is one more display of your wonderful talent. You described darkness perfectly because I know darkness also. Please feel better soon-this too shall pass. xxoo
ReplyDeleteThe mind works in very peculiar ways. I hope you find the energy needed to "shove it out".
ReplyDeleteDon't know what to say, m'dear. Been there, am there at times too. Need to talk, let me know. mm5.montana@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI am sorry, hope the darkness lifts soon.
ReplyDeleteYou will find the energy alright. You have always done.
ReplyDeleteI don't get obviously depressed, knock on wood, but even I was kinda down for a couple days this week. Is there something going around?
ReplyDeleteWe await your swift return to us, Wise Web Woman.
-Kate
Sending warm hugs to you, WWW. I remembered that years ago you once gave me your birth data and I calculated a natal chart - I've burrowed into my archives and dug it out to take a look - to see if the planets are dishing out any nasties for you right now. I suspected Saturn or Uranus might be the culprit - and it's Saturn, transiting more or less opposite your natal Saturn. You might like to read one interpretation of this line-up when you feel up to it. Saturn is moving retrograde at present, so it'll move further away, backwards, from natal Saturn for a while, then briefly return in the fall.
ReplyDeleteHere's a link to what seems to me to be a good interpretation:
http://www.thefutureminders.com/Saturn-transits/saturn-opposition-saturn.cfm
I hope the darkness lifts soon for you. (((((( ))))
So sorry to read that you feel this way, that a darkness has fallen on you. But it's not so surprising with all the changes taking place and that you seem to be handling everything on your own; moving house is stressful, especially when it involves parting with things that have been important to you.
ReplyDeleteAnother comment mentioned that you have a counsellor - please do get in touch and talk things through; you need someone alongside just at the moment - it also seems an excellent idea to spend some time in your beloved house while you take a breather and gather your strength. (((((((Hugs))))))) - Rosemary x
Not so surprising really, M....you have many changes to handle at the moment.
ReplyDeleteYou know it will pass in time and energy will return.
Love and hugs to you.xxxxx
Sending good thoughts your way. Change brings such feelings, doesn't it? One day we think we can conquer the world, and then the next we're not sure we can wash the dishes. But I know you will persevere. Good times are coming.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear this, although I must say you express it very well. I hope some of the good wishes and wisdom expressed in comments here is helpful to you. It is certainly apparent that you have a community here that cares!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so very much for all these beautiful words, I read them and re-read them and even though I understand and deeply, others' challenges, there is enormous comfort in being understood as well. I was quite lost for a while and hopelessness entered me once again. Now lifted.
ReplyDeleteIn gratitude.
XO
WWW
Its a son of a bitch isn't it Wise. I use Music Music Music - bought Apple Tunes for $10.00 a month [first 3 months free] and I love it. You type in "i'm hurtin" and you will get all the songs with those words in the title ---- AND most of them have the lyrics.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry. Yes, music helps. Can you have a pet? You deserve happiness.
ReplyDelete