I'd like to blog every day. I love blogging. But I find that the pleasurable tasks on the To-Do get drowned in the "shoulds" of what I need to do first and then nothing happens. Exhaustion hits me too, those sleepless, crazy, nightmarish nights underlaid with the anxiety and stress we're all feeling.
"In my remaining lifetime allotted," I announced pompously to some poor souls who indulge my ranting, "I will not see normal again."
So yeah, what do I intend to do with such limited options?
Good question.
I have absolutely no idea.
So I knit away on a startlingly large project with took me eons to design as the mathematical calculations are not as free and easy in the brain as they used to be. The designing is now painstaking and slow if I want to avoid ripping out madly. So, yeah, it's looking quite lovely in its birthing. A long way to go but it keeps my brain subdued as I work it a few times a day.
My "other" writing has died much to my dismay. The muse has fled appalled by my inertia and my "woe is me"s in this awful pandemic.
But today, I got myself upright, metaphorically at least, and started ticking some items and lined up some apologies to be given to those who I have abandoned but not forgotten.
Thank goodness you are alive.
ReplyDeleteLast we heard you were seeing the doctor , so to speak.
Dear woman , you do whatever pleases your soul . Don't worry about the rest of the world and their expectations. You deserve to do for you what you want. I know I don't need to give you permission to do it,but feel free to be you.
It took me a while to come to my senses, Gemma, but I am there today and feeling quite fired up about my life.
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Welcome back! I hope your doctor spoke words of wisdom to you. And I dare bet one of them was: Do somthing you find pleasurable every day - if not, it should have been on the list!
ReplyDeleteYes, find joy, it was eluding me and I had to look deep into all of that as to why and it all came back to me. So today. Onward!
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What to do? Assign a time limit to each chore on the To-Do list and don't forget to include rest periods or naps.
ReplyDeleteAnd eliminate many ridiculous pursuits that were taking far too much of my time!!
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Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI too often use my to-do lists as a weapon to whip myself with.
Look after yourself. First, second and third.
And I would love to see your creation - when you are ready.
the creation is coming along beautifully and I will take a pic soon of the work in progress.
DeleteAnd I am eliminating all stress from my life.
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At least you woke this morning- isn't that something to be thankful for:)
ReplyDeleteI'm with those who say - do it for yourself.
Take time for all things, don't look at your knitting as a chore, it's a gift you have to be able to take two objects and make something from them. And don't forget the show and tell session at the end ........or even as a teaser along the way:)
Thank you Cathy. No knitting is never a chore, always a joy but sometimes I tear myself away and do some petty and harmful things.
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Commit to clearing up certain thing and they then leave your mind. That is how I manage anyway. But yes, it is so easy to become overwhelmed and not considering what is really important.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right, often it's only 1 or 2 things a day but I feel better for doing them. Like negotiating with my internet provider yesterday to reduce their latest increase.
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I hope your creation will be picture worthy soon. I hope you've seen your doctor and had some relief. As for To Do lists, they look mighty fine blowing in the wind, especially as little scraps.
ReplyDeleteI love what you do with those TODOs - must put that in my list.:)
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I think that you are very fortunate that you have to prepare to-do-lists every day. I know some very nice people who live from day to day without anything to do or look forward to do and only cheer up when something unexpected turns up like a call from me or someone else. What if you can not write a blog every day? So be it. Have a blast and write only when you can find the time and / or the inclination pops up.
ReplyDeleteI always love your advice Ramana, sound and solid and enlightening. I always take it in even subconsciously. Yes, so many are bored out of their tree. I never am, even in my most disorganized and disgruntled state.
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My to-do list is fairly modest in these days of lockdown. Read, walk, listen to music, watch TV, play Scrabble, go food shopping, do a bit of gardening. Strangely, I'm sleeping much better during the lockdown than I was before. I think my stress levels have gone down now I'm not dealing with all the petty irritations of the outside world!
ReplyDeleteNick it took me a while to realise how irritated and grumpy I was with all that is going on "outside" and throwing words at others who had no understanding of some people's realities. Wake up or what.
DeleteI love your list.
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I sometimes leave myself a to-do note, rather than a list. Lists can be enough to put me off from doing anything at all, ever again! I'll write a "Honey Do" list occasionally though - and that has a similar anti-list effect on Himself! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see you on the blog again, WWW - I was getting worried.
No worries T, back in the saddle of self-care and joy in the small pleasures. I hope you're doing well.
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If you could see me now, you'd see my big grin. Good to know you're okay. One of the things about being retired (or stuck at home such as most people are due to Covid-19) is not having to do a damned thing if we don't care to. It's a very lovely feeling of freedom. If only we could also adjust and not be so hard on ourselves. Looking forward to seeing your next creation. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThanks Regina, I am doing well, I will not beat up in myself today. But be gentle on myself and others. And remove myself from controversy.
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I love to-do lists. But here's my technique. Once I've written down the chore onto my list ... I consider the job done! Then I go on to the more pleasurable tasks. May you have fewer "shoulds" and more pleasure in your life, esp. in these perilous times.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tom, starting today, yes I will note the fun stuff rather than the dismal tasks that keep getting carried over!
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Welcome back. I wondered why you had not blogged for such a long time.
ReplyDeleteThank you Gigi, I will write the blog more regularly now. Tossing out the rest of the useless tasks.
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thank you always for you special words
ReplyDeleteAnd yours, Ernestine, we have had a challenging 2020 so far. I too worry when you disappear for a while.
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I genuinely believe its okay for us all to be nonproductive right now. It's a strange and unsettling time - just loving with that takes a lot of emotional energy.
ReplyDeleteIt does takes gallons of emotional energy, you are absolutely right and we need to expend it in purpose that brings joy. I was defeating myself continually.
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I made myself an ambitious to-do list for this afternoon but after completing the first "extra" task (making muffins), I let myself off the hook. No use being exhausted at the end of the day, and I definitely would've been. Why do it to myself? Not a-gonna. -Kate
ReplyDeleteSo very true Kate. I often picture myself holding this full jar of jobs at the end of the day and sighing and chastising myself. Pitiful behaviour so I need to turn that around and look at what I have accomplished.
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My list includes goals I want to accomplish not just feel compelled to do, especially if this is how my life will live out. I want to finish the final edit of the novel and the query letter. I want to send it out. I want to show my love to each grandchild. I feel the same ennui at times, even though these are my goals for myself, ones that make me feel as if I'm a productive person who still has a voice. It's difficult to explain to my husband that these are not just to-do lists but instead are goals that I grieve not meeting. However, we are human beings with human souls and bodies, and those goals are often not met in times such as these. About a year ago, someone sent me an article on setting goals for what constitutes "enough" to do each day and then learning to be satisfied if those can be met although one also makes bigger goals. Doing enough each day these days might be getting dressed or washing one's face, eating regular meals. Or, perhaps it's like Kate's idea: completing the first item on your list and letting yourself off the hook. I love your "Not a-gonna," Kate!
ReplyDeleteso very true Linda. I too have been neglecting my own writing with useless distasteful engagements. I had an eureka last night and a subsequent dream which clarified everything. Enough is an important word I rarely use. I'm into "more" which is exhausting. So enough will apply to today.
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I must be remiss since a day came when I was happy to forego to do lists. Appointments and activities scheduled on my calendar have been quite enough for me. Everything else is what I want to add each day when I awake, or not. No more guilt feelings though I'm always aware of a never-ending number of activities in which I can engage, or not. Some, once "have to do" items, I've decided really don't matter in the scheme of life.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, Joared, I waste a lot of time on the shoulds which eat into my brain and take over the joys and the real purpose. I redefined all of that today and feel a ton better.
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I can tell you I feel a lot better turning the channel or turning off the tv or radio when anything c with the numbers comes up. I know enough now about it. It now all seems to be twisting of the numbers(which don't seem to add up)and are always different.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I haver heard the places that didn't shut their states or countries completely down have the same virus numbers and outcomes as the others.
I've stopped my incessant posting on my Covid site and analyzing the data and the numbers. And the thought struck me if there is a war with China, or we develop new infections on another wave here, someone may tell me but I don't need to monitor the world anymore :)
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Hate to add to your to-do list but in searching for a book to read, I found your link to 2019 books read did not work. I always have to have a book by the bed altho it's amazing how hard it is to find one I like. I appreciate what others have to recommend. And I too need to know when to stop taking on things that I think will be simple. Yesterday was trying to find out why a web site I am helping with was just not there. Ugh. That took half the day! The good thing is that today I replied to someone with a simple "No, not at this time." No explanations, just knew I had to stop adding to the list.
ReplyDeleteHere's the 2019 list Mary - the link is broken, so I will check and see what happened. Thanks!
Delete(1)Asymmetry - Lisa Halliday**
(2)How to Change Your Mind - Michael Pollan***
(3)Great House - Nicole Krauss - I'm stuck
(4)A Gentleman in Moscow - Amor Towles*****
(5)Latitudes of Melt - Joan Clark*****
(6)A Ladder in the Sky - John Boyne*****
(7)A House in the Sky - Amanda Lindhout & Sara Corbett*****
(8)The Great Believers - Rebecca Makkai****
(9)The House of Allsorts - Emily Carr*****
(9)The Magnificent Spinster - May Sarton****
(10)We all expected to die - Anne Budgell*****
(11)Our Homesick Songs - Emma Hooper 0
(12)Rules of Civility - Amor Towles ***
(13)Feeding My Mother - Jane Arden*****
(14)Small Fry - Lisa Brenner*
(15)Gaff Topsails - Patrick Kavanaugh 0 {DNF} {BC}
(16)The Beginners Goodbye - Anne Tyler****
(17)Mrs. Stevens Hears the Mermaids Singing - May Sarton****
(18)A Slipping Down Life - Anne Tyler***
(19)Digging in America - Anne Tyler****
(20)If Morning Ever Comes - Anne Tyler***
(21)The Tattooist of Auschwitz - Heather Morris**
(22)Noah's Compass - Anne Tyler*****
(23)The Boat People - Sharon Bala*****
(24)Milkman - Anna Byrne*****
(25)August Gale - Barbara Walsh {BC}****
(26)We Were the Lucky Ones - Georgia Hunter {DNF}
(27)Providence - Anita Brookner****
(28)The Crow Trap - Ann Cleeves***
(29)Beneath The Earth - John Boyne ****
(30)A Mother's Reckoning - Sue Klebold{BC}****
(31)Growing Up Next to the Mental - Brian Callahan 0
(32)The End of Absence - Michael Harris*****
(33)The Power - Naomi Alderman*****
(34)Left Neglected - Lisa Genova***
(35)A Misalliance - Anita Brookner****
(36)Normal People - Sally Rooney*****
(37)This Glorious Country - Florence Clothier {BC}*****
(38)Sum - David Eagleman****
(39)Boy Swallows Universe - Trent Dalton*****
(40)The Dreamers - Karen Thompson Walker**
(41)Send More Tourists the Last Ones were Delicious - Tracey Waddleton****
(42)A Private View - Anita Brookner*****
(43)Hotel du Lac - Anita Brookner*****
(44)City of Girls - Elizabeth Gilbert*****
(45)Mrs. Everything - Jennifer Weiner**
(46)Invisible Women - Caroline Priado Perez
(47)Stay Where you are and then Leave - John Boyne ****
(48)Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine - Grace Honeyman ****1/2
(49)The Innocents - Michael Crummey ****
(50)No Time to Spare - Ursula K LeGuin*****
(51)Dear Evelyn - Kathy Page*****
(52)We are all simply Beside Ourselves - Karen Joy Fowler*****
(53)Emancipation Day - Wayne Grady{BC}**
(54)Pond - Claier Louise Bennett*****
(55)Salt Path - Raynor Wynn*****
(56)Little Fires Everywhere - Celeste Ng*****
(57)The Best of Adam Sharpe - Graeme Simsion {BC} 0 DNF
(58)Everyone Brace is forgiven - Chris Cleave*****
(59)Three Women - Lisa Taddeo***
(60)The Nickel Boys - Colson Whitehead*****
(61)The Forbidden Dreams of Betsy Elliott - Carolyn Parsons**
TOTAL TO DATE: 61{BC=Book Club} {DNF = Did Not Finish}
Ratings:0(awful) *(poor)**(fair)***(good)****(very good)*****(excellent)
And thank you! For all your lists and wise words too.
DeleteI ditched To-Do Lists once Pandemic hit, I realized that I don't HAVE To Do anything in particular and Time is too precious to waste doing shit I would rather not do at all... or could do whenever... Since I Love to Write and indulge in Photography I take and make the Time to Blog, I even Post-Date the Posts to where I'm in the middle of June already, it Amuses me that it's the one thing under my Control right now and with zero limitations! *Winks*
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