"Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that loves YOU."
In later life I was told that anger was toxic and could really damage me. That my life would be so much better if I could just forgive.And boy did I work hard on that. Owning my part in the RESPONSE to my own abuse and mistreatment. Imagine.
But does forgiveness mean forgetting? How does one forget? I've asked many times is there a magic bullet? Because depression is the polar opposite of anger. If you repress anger, black depression ensues. And you know what? Most people I know are on sedatives, tranquilizers, call them what you will, to treat a "chemical imbalance" in their brains. And if they open up at all about their lives behind them there's a trickling seam of rage underneath, which is quickly shut down. So is chemical treatment of anger an optimum solution? Isn't part of the spirit then quenched?
So anger can be a powerful positive force. And maybe that's why I'm an activist in a world of so very few when you compare total populations. I've channeled my unapologetic anger into advocating for those less fortunate and I speak up when I'm treated badly and I set firm boundaries. I do not use it to hurt or destroy but I will not colour my past with rainbows and unicorns.
As I write my new book (31,000 words and counting) I'm once again the twenty-three-year-old I was, feeling that helpless rage that saw me banished from my native land when I needed it the most and navigating a baffling new country. I feel for her, fifty years ago, forced to bury her short former life, the one that formed and shaped her, and invent a new one. She was so desperately lonely and didn't know how to be angry, carrying it deep inside for decades - an old septic wound waiting to be lanced.
And PS. I am so happy when writing this book, I need to add that. I look forward to it every day. I ignore social media and almost resent phone calls for interrupting me. I am enjoying revisiting the Toronto of long past as it flows past the words on my screen.
That's a very interesting quotation! and will give me more to think about while dealing with my own anger.
ReplyDeleteI envy you the excitement of writing when "in the zone" and all that comes with it. That's a feeling to be grateful for.
Kate
So true Kate, I never take it for granted. Still in there tho the inner critic does bounce up and wag the finger at me. :)
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What a gift to be able to write like that.
ReplyDeleteAnd no, I don't think forgetting and forgiving is the same. Forgetting can lead to festering because you've got to put it all away in a small box inside your brain and sit on it to (try to) forget. Forgiving is more like ... removing the things' ability to hurt you ... not letting the evil of other touch your heart ... and forgiving is also forgiving yourself. -- -- -- Urgh! I seldom feel confined when writing in English, but this is one of the times, I simply do not have the words, I need, but I hope you understand anyway.
Oh Charlotte I believe you underestimate yourself, I am always impressed with your articulate English as I know it is your second language. Yes, Healing from old wounds takes an enormous amount of time, many don't do so and use medication but oddly I can always tell if someone is medicated as something is missing.
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Sometimes I think that anger (even rage), anxiety and depression are completely and totally rational responses to the world. Which we seem to forget in the attempt to medicate them away.
ReplyDeleteI am thrilled for you that you are writing, and hope to be able to read it some day.
I am thrilled for me too, thank you EC, it is really wonderful to escape every day into another world of the sixties.
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It is cathartic to express the range of natural Human emotion rather than repressing it. The depth of our Pain is often measured by the depth of our Love. If we just didn't Care we probably wouldn't hurt, wouldn't be Angered and Outraged... it is sometimes a good thing to channel expression of it in healthy ways that are Helpful and force Positive Changes. I think if there were no Peaceful Protesting in such vast numbers that cannot be ignored, nothing would really change and it's long overdue. We MUST BE the Change we envision and Hope for, the stuff Dreams are made of.
ReplyDeleteVery true B, I am very grateful I am built this way to feel the pain and the vast range of emotions. And I am particularly happy to express them here in the land of kindred spirits.
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In the aftermath of the fires here earlier this year, our PM visited burnt areas and towns. An angry man tackled the PM whose behaviour during the fires had been questioned, well he was in Hawaii as our country burnt. The man told the PM in no uncertain terms that his presence wasn't welcome. It received a lot of media coverage and the PM's profile was quite damaged. That was well directed anger.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant Andrew I remember when your PM ran away, not reminiscent of the Man in the Bunker and 3 fences. We also had a premier here, back in the mist of time who ran out the back door of the parliament buildings and through private back gardens to escape the thundering hoard. I've always enjoyed such images.
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I've probably never put unicorns or butterflies on pain past. Anger and resolution of sorts is always called for. It can make me be the outsider, but so be it. I'll still be organizing.
ReplyDeleteThe knowledge you are progressing so is uplifting. Remember that, too.
Thank you Joanne, deep wounds just don't go away but we can heal them up and take care of them and the scars can serve as reminders.
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Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, since the mind retains so much even when we don't want it to, but the forgiving does bring a little peace to the soul. I well remember the day I woke up and realised I no longer hated my ex. I would never forget the things he did or the way his family treated me and my kids, but no longer hating freed me to be happy.
ReplyDeleteI hear you River, my best therapist said to me, and he did write a book on this: Understanding means there's nothing to forgive, and by gaining understanding into those who abused me (they themselves were abused) I came to peace on it, even though they are oblivious to the harm they cause.
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Good , glad to hear you are happy writing this.
ReplyDeleteYou may not forgive or forget, but putting it on paper , I hope, will be cathartic for you.
Yes, it is extraordinary how writing all these memories (and healing) down has helped me so much in the last week. A lot of tears.
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Dear Wisewebwoman and Friends, too often we're told to forgive, and then act like nothing ever happened. Horsehockey! Hhmm, come to think of it, i don't recall anywhere in Scripture where we're supposed to go on allowing the bully back into our lives. A preacher (sermonaudio.com) had pointed out that, while we're supposed to forgive, we're not commanded to go on trusting people who have (atleast once or twice) betrayed our trust. "Wise as serpents, harmless as doves."
ReplyDeleteYes, Sue, when trust is breached with a person it is no longer possible to let them back in or if forced to do so (say family gatherings), the relationship is changed forever.And truly it is about getting one's own power back and refusing to be the forgiving doormat, right?
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I've been thinking a lot about anger these days, in light of recent events and personal experience. It seems to me a double-edged sword, it often is expressed with the intent of passing one's own hurt on to someone else, and that can be very damaging. But anger suppressed or directed inward can also be very damaging. Anger expressed as activism in response to injustice can be a force for good. We all need to learn to express anger positively, and women need stop suppressing their own anger or directing it at themselves as we have been taught to do. I think forgiveness can allow us to move forward in our own lives but it shouldn't be something that we are required to do. Too often women are counselled to forgive and not express anger, and that is just wrong.
ReplyDeleteSo many women I know are given pills Annie and it breaks my heart. They tell me they are so afraid of what therapy can unleash inside them. So they dull their own senses, and quench the feeling and Stepford themselves around a lot of the time. A dear friend, sedated, told me she no longer feels joy or sadness and she's content with that. But she's not as the Black Dog overwhelms her some days and she has to up the meds.
DeleteHeartbreaking.
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One can forgive but it is very difficult to forget. At least for me it is. Looking forward to writing shows that you are in the Zone. Great. Have fun writing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ramana. No we can't forget but we can transform it and that's the best use of it.
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Yes, writing can be cathartic. Enjoy the writing process.
ReplyDeleteI am Gigi, thank you.
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I am delighted that you are writing and enjoying it so much. ... best of all, free from social media. Looking forward to reading your words some day. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you Regina, I will certainly make it available.
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Writing this book is your way of lancing that "old septic wound" I guess, WWW? Far from being painful it is giving you a kind of joy as that long-buried pain begins to ease. I feel sure that your experiences, as recorded in the book, will one day help others with similar wounds.
ReplyDeleteWell it is not a fix yourself kind of book and I believe the term is fictionalized memoir.We'll see how it unwinds. But a lot of it has humour too. And if it helps others come to terms with some rather weird behaviours, excellent :D
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Maybe we should forget and not worry to much about forgiving? We spend a lot of our life replaying the same tape in our heads until we realize most people that we think we need to forgive have long moved on or never thought about us to begin with. One of my favorite sayings is "I used to get angry...now I am merely amused".
ReplyDeleteI like that phrase with it's faint condemnation. Yes, most who abuse us are totally oblivious to their behaviours and often quite justified in their own minds.
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Congratulations on your writing. May it continue to go well. Your pain will diminish as a result.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much E, highly therapeutic letting some secrets out of the bag :)
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I know it's a common view that anger is totally positive, that it's the motivating force that drives you to do things, deal with grievances and improve your life, but I've never seen it as positive. I've dealt with all sorts of difficult problems without getting angry. My father was habitually angry and bad-tempered and I can't see that it improved his life, just terrified the rest of the family. But I can appreciate that your experience of anger is a more positive one.
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