Back to Square One

I had a couple of days of relief but for the past five days it's been back to exhaustion, pain, and this miasma of hopelessness covering everything. I've been nearly a year in isolation and the remaining nerve in my head is jingling and not in a good way. It's tough living alone and making all decisions with regard to health care, ever conscious of mobility challenges and lights at end of tunnel have to be self-instigated or not at all. And I don't have a match.

Sorry to be on such a downer, my lack of energy is dragging me into a dark place. It seems like my entire creative spirt has upped and left. I can't even get my new card put together.

I only whinge to my whinge buddies. On here is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. I haven't heard from specialists or have test appointments. I am super pale and a friend (masked) who delivered soup was shocked at my appearance which didn't make me feel better but a whole lot worse. I've lost interest in food, can't get enough sleep and it takes me a good hour to get oriented and kinda moving in the morning.

Okay. Cheery thought..

A huge shock. Grandgirl and her partner are moving here May 1 for three months at least. They can each work remotely. They are moving into a house right here, vacant, and owned by another family member:

To say I am thrilled that she will be living just around the corner from me is understating it. Totally unexpected though Daughter and I dreamed of it but just between the two of us. 

So over and out and I plan to try and read blogs today and connect with all you lovelies. 

 

 

 

Update

 This iron tho!

It has me off the painkillers. I had a brief rotten reaction to the codeine where it heightened my symptoms. 

I am astonished at how forgiving the body is when corrections to deficiencies are made.

I'm not exactly planning a road race quite yet (my brain does this - it gallops ahead - the act of slowing down has been very difficult for me)  but I can walk across the room without taking a break.

I finally looked up the effects of chronic anaemia on the body and I completely fit the bill. I am surprised I could climb out of bed - albeit with some difficulty. I believe this downswing has been going on for a year, worsening just about every month and all my case doctors believing "another" doctor was taking care of it. I didn't mention my episodes of periodic blindness which were frightening, now also gone. Every afternoon for about 15 minutes. And putting my head down to "rest my neck". All iron deficiency. 

I have not heard from any specialist in the meantime to schedule the tests. We had a few more cases of Covid 19  hospitalized.  We are a tiny province and almost know each case personally or have one degree of separation from it. Daughter knows of a whole family down with it. Niece has had to contend with her whole family being exposed through schools - thankfully all negative.

In other news, I had to help a neighbour/friend out of a massive scam. The scammer emptied her pitiful bank account. A company based in Washington, DC. She didn't bother even with a basic Google on them which listed hundreds. The dollar signs of untold riches circled in her eyeballs. She only had to manage a website for Amazon. Believe me when I say that she can barely turn on her own computer. Absolutely no skill sets whatsoever.

Anyway long story short (and it did take a lot of my time, trust me) I reviewed the 6 page contract and found the tiny clause of "cancellation within 3 days" and immediately got a strong email out to them cancelling herewith and forthwith and witnessed and she got her money back.

So yes, she was crying in gratitude and shamed and humiliated too. 

No such thing as a free lunch. Ever. I am a born cynic of these "opportunities" as in my past career I counselled many such victims of pyramid schemes, investment goldmines, etc.

Thanks for all your wonderful and heartwarming wishes and the prayers from those who pray.

I will continue upward I hope.

One hour at a time.

So guys, I'm quite sick.

 I've had a series of tests to confirm that my blood is at dangerously low levels. Which means that I have internal bleeding of some kind.

Awaiting hospital and extensive testing to source.

I have absolutely zero energy but mercifully (without my asking again) I am prescribed better pain killers which means I am pain free but near collapsing most of the time. So I am extremely careful in movements.

My neighbor next door is on 2 hour watch with me, which means every two hours she texts me and if no response will call 911.

A shipment of iron pills just arrived so I will be on those until hospital confirm appointments and tests.

We are on Alert Level 5 here which means that no family member can attend me in hospital which is rather alarming. Plus risk of Covid on top of this.

But this is affirming, you know. I knew I was quite ill though at times I felt it was "all in my head" as I felt slightly ridiculous sitting down between minor tasks like brushing my hair or making breakfast in 4 steps. It's only when I wrote down all my symptoms (thanks to my loving Daughter) and read them all out to the doctor that he sounded the alarm bells.

Meanwhile my beloved coffee pot died and luckily I had an ancient up French press in my cupboard.

Gack, life without a good fresh ground dark roast would have been untenable right now.

Mini Meltdowns

 I had a few yesterday. I was on CBC again (no clip yet, sorry) speaking on seniors and this ridiculous speedy election (power grab, basically) and the challenges for seniors having to vote in person (no internet usually, no access to online or fax requests for ballot). And another challenge, which falls below the radar of most, some of them have to work to make ends meet at the polling stations. I worked it last year and I'm telling you the toll of 16 hours on my body for $200 had me two days in bed. As it had the other seniors who worked it. 

So I expounded on what most would not be aware of, this fresh hazard for seniors with their compulsion to vote at all costs, as they have always voted. And begged a cancellation of this silly election. And lo and behold we had two pressers from the premier and the chief medical officer yesterday and we are now on Alert Level 5 overnight and this egregious election cancelled. The UK variant is here and most infected by this are under 20.

So yes mini-meltdowns. It's hard to be living alone in such circumstances. No one to share the fear with, apart from texting and phone calls which are not the same. There are still the long hours of silence when music can have the effect of making one long for live concerts and theatre. As when I played my Glenn Gould playlist, my god how he interpreted Bach is sublime!

I worry and cry for the young ones in my family. The long term effects, the mental burden of no socializing in the years when it is so important. 

My mail (I crept to the mail boxes late at night so I would not encounter the Maskless Wonders who would fuel my residual rage) was full of delight. Two gorgeous handmade cards from Daughter and 3 photos of my great-niece and great-nephew (twins) with a lovely card.

How do I plan my food was questioned in a couple of emails I received about my new regimen. Simple. I write everything down ahead of time. And stick to it. I am never hungry. One of the secrets is a little bit of protein and a little bit of fruit at 10 at night. So there's none of that night starving.

A long post.

A dear diary kind of entry. But there you have it from the Land of Alert 5. And oh yes, the weather. Here you go. Outside my window. There's no end to the joy.

Turning a Nasty Corner

 So here. On this so far so safe island, Covid 19 is now out of control in the schools and polling booths. Our premier called an election in the midst of a pandemic. With no votes by mail or on line. I won't post links but you get the picture.

Mask wearing was not enforced in schools, shame on the educators involved and sports meets were just about normal.

Complacency ruled. We were so safe. I saw that in my own building. Darts, coffee mornings, card games, laundry rooms, who needs masks? You're over-reacting WWW! These are seniors who regularly babysat grandchildren and had big family gatherings on the weekends. Asking about their bubbles was to receive derisive laughter. 

So here we are now. Community spread and imminent lockdown coming up.

Meancwhile, the hospital called me for a back X-ray on my doctor's orders (at least he's working for me!) and both the nurse and I laughed and laughed. As if. 

So on the phone with my sister today she was telling me (she's in Ireland) that some seniors there are opting out of ventilator treatement and choosing death instead. That gave me shivers.

Meanwhile niece's family (she, husband and 5 kids) have all been tested yesterday on a drive thru and so far so good.

By way of light relief I offer you a picutre of my mountain of books which pleases me no end.

And the gang on the windowsill. The middle one is thyme, one of my favourite herbs, which I have never, in all my born years, grown successfully before.

Update

 I had an unpleasant reaction to some new medication the doc prescribed. And I truly hate to say this but everything seems to be an uphill battle lately with, internally, myself screaming: not another effing hill to  climb.

Daughter was in and I just couldn't summon enough strength to go out to lunch with her so she brought some Indian curry in. A new Indian restaurant has opened on this side of the city and the food was delightful. Absolutely the best samosas I have eaten and the lamb curry was to die. A huge menu. Opening in a pandemic is quite gutsy.

A friend/neighbour had given me some pills she was using for her pain management and they also worked for me but doc refuses to prescribe and was enraged I had taken medication not prescribed. I hear him but I was desperate just to get some relief in walking across a room, just for a day. So he refused to prescribe them as I might get "addicted" or long range, they might lose their efficacy. I said the quality of my life was so badly effected that I would take anything at this point. And I was an old woman - what? did he think I was going to wind up under a bridge with a needle in my arm? No budge.

I was down though for lots of days and I am going to tackle him again. But I had to conserve my strength for CBC and the interview which went well, I thought.

If you wish to hear it, please email me at wisewebwoman at gmail dot com and I will send you the link. I wish to remain anonymous here as I write of everything from my personal journey to more political matters and I need to keep my oars in the water so to speak.

I keep counting the small things today to keep my spirits up. I'm reading a marvelous book called "The Guest Book". It's gripping. Thanks to whoever recommended it. And there's some great stuff on Britbox that holds my attention. One recently watched was "A Confession" with Martin Freeman, based on a true story.