Sanity

 

Do you ever wonder about your own status? I'm talking mental health of course, per the heading.

And what is sanity?

Well, here's a definition:

the ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health.

"I began to doubt my own sanity"

We know what insanity is, of course - and this is just my recollection of a good one:

Performing the same task over and over and expecting different results. 

 Do we all fall between these, somewhere?

I don't know what thirty odd months of basic incarceration has done to my brain.

There have been spurts of outings and trips, but far too infrequent and, unlike some, I don't hold out any hope this pandemic is ever finished with us, too many variants with too many ineffective vaccines. I remember reading when I was in my early twenties that the greatest threat to humanity was a virus and it would take us all out.

I lived through the polio epidemic, which I've written about here. I've lived, again as a child, through the threats of cold war and nuclear chains being rattled every day on the news, and believing in the cataclysmic threats of Fatima - the angry virgin, seen by peasant children, threatening all of humanity until Russia succumbed to Christianity or some such rot. I imagine that must effect an unformed child-brain in ways we can't imagine. 

And yes, we all have trauma of some kind as children - from peer bullying, to drunken fathers (or mothers) to poverty and unimaginable abuse.

I suppose if I'm questioning my own state of mind, the brain health meter would point to sanity. 

I'm dealing with inertia, loads of it. It's hard to get enthusiastic, to experience joy, to make any kind of plans, to even call my doctor (who last time was coughing through a Covid variant- much to my shock as he was rigid in precautions).

There's also massive denial out here on The Edge of those also caught with The Covid. They label it something else, like cold or flu. Statistics are lacking. Many Covid deaths are written off as something else. The Economy defeats public health mandates or precautions.

And note I haven't touched climate change or Roe or Ukraine or all the other shyte happening around us. We really, really, don't deserve this planet. Like the pestilential fleas we are, we will be shrugged off. The Virus is winning.

All your thoughts are welcome.

Mini Meltdowns

 I had a few yesterday. I was on CBC again (no clip yet, sorry) speaking on seniors and this ridiculous speedy election (power grab, basically) and the challenges for seniors having to vote in person (no internet usually, no access to online or fax requests for ballot). And another challenge, which falls below the radar of most, some of them have to work to make ends meet at the polling stations. I worked it last year and I'm telling you the toll of 16 hours on my body for $200 had me two days in bed. As it had the other seniors who worked it. 

So I expounded on what most would not be aware of, this fresh hazard for seniors with their compulsion to vote at all costs, as they have always voted. And begged a cancellation of this silly election. And lo and behold we had two pressers from the premier and the chief medical officer yesterday and we are now on Alert Level 5 overnight and this egregious election cancelled. The UK variant is here and most infected by this are under 20.

So yes mini-meltdowns. It's hard to be living alone in such circumstances. No one to share the fear with, apart from texting and phone calls which are not the same. There are still the long hours of silence when music can have the effect of making one long for live concerts and theatre. As when I played my Glenn Gould playlist, my god how he interpreted Bach is sublime!

I worry and cry for the young ones in my family. The long term effects, the mental burden of no socializing in the years when it is so important. 

My mail (I crept to the mail boxes late at night so I would not encounter the Maskless Wonders who would fuel my residual rage) was full of delight. Two gorgeous handmade cards from Daughter and 3 photos of my great-niece and great-nephew (twins) with a lovely card.

How do I plan my food was questioned in a couple of emails I received about my new regimen. Simple. I write everything down ahead of time. And stick to it. I am never hungry. One of the secrets is a little bit of protein and a little bit of fruit at 10 at night. So there's none of that night starving.

A long post.

A dear diary kind of entry. But there you have it from the Land of Alert 5. And oh yes, the weather. Here you go. Outside my window. There's no end to the joy.

Day 15

 All is well. I kicked another addiction along this route too. Diet pop(soda). I had this thing for diet lemonade. The sparkling kind. It was down to Daughter hauling in 12 large bottles at a time here. I took a serious look at this. I was always afraid of running out of the stuff. First sign of trouble. 

I didn't mention this before, but I'm fairly impressed with this. Kicking these habits to the curb is beneficial to me. I feel it in my body and my outlook. I'm the one who never bought cigarettes by the pack. I always had 3 cartons on the go, one in the office, one in my home, one in car. I never ran out. And that was kicked 33 years ago now. Stockpiler, that's me.

Not bragging at all. I don't take it for granted. Slippage can happen.

I was looking at these little guys on my windowsill today. Little memories of trips to beaches and up north.

I just finished this book. It's about an 85 year old protagonist. A really good, fairly light read.

I also binge watched the series "Mum". A delight from start to finish.