Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Lana

It's about time for an update on Lana, my dear friend who has dementia. I call her every week and she never fails to remember me.

For a while, I was nervous calling her, would she forget me, would she have bouts of paranoia, would she ask me too many questions.

None of that never happened. 

Our last call lasted an hour, the longest ever.

She had me laughing uncontrollably at one point in the call when she talked about a kind of spa in her luxurious assisted living complex which has beauty salons and hair styling units.

I said how's your hair looking? Look in the mirror and tell me. she told me it was crawling down her back.

She's a fan of really short hairdos, always has been so I asked her why the change.

She explained that to go to the salon would involve her emerging like a "fizzhead" and that, she would never, ever accept.

I know exactly what she meant and I said "like those tightly permed old women?"

And she started laughing uncontrollably too. 

Then she said there's a new invention I have to tell you about.

And she proceeded to tell me about "something" that helps with hair and keeps it off her face and her aide showed her how it operated..

After a few minutes I said, you mean a headband I think.

And she went yes, yes, a headband. A brand new invention. You need to find one. They are amazing.

She's still so articulate in so many ways and sometimes her flashbacks astound me. I remind her that she is in a very luxurious residence when she asks where her money is.

She tells me she walks every day and sits on a bench and counts cars to keep her brain exercised. 

I preplan the number, she says, and I don't get off the bench until I reach the number, hundred, two hundred, fifty.

She was a numbers whiz in her past life and this is no surprise to me.

I cherish our time together.




29 comments:

  1. I suppose the important thing that comes from that is that she is occupied and happy. It seems like it was good therapy for you too.

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    1. Absolutely Andrew I tell her we'd have a perfect person with her body and my brain combined and we howl.
      XO
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  2. You've gone into her world rather than dragged her out into ours, and with a little gentle guidance very now and then, have really connected with her.
    I'll never forget the time my mother, in a nursing home ( all mental marbles thankfully intact ) noticed a very anxious old lady waiting by the front door, looking outside with something approaching panic.
    I was chatting to my mother at the time and she broke off to ask the lady if everything was ok.
    "No its not! I need to get home now! The children will be home from school and expecting their dinner! "
    Without missing a beat my mother said - " Oh I meant to tell you; your husband rang and told me he's picking the children up from school this afternoon and will be doing their dinner "
    The relief on the old lady's face was palpable; she continued to stare out of the window for a few minutes more - no longer anxious - then wandered off into the lounge.

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    1. Thank you for sharing that Anne. My darling aunt, with dementia, would worry about the parking her dead son would have to find when he visited her. I remember telling her he was gone to Spain for a while. And her relief was palpable. It's truly amazing how we can move into their worlds. And it's not a bad place to be. I was enchanted with the new invention of the headband.
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  3. How wonderful that you can chat with Lana like this. It is good medicine for both of you.

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    1. Totally DKZ, and I know I alleviate her anxiety - even briefly - when she tells me her sons stole all her money and she's ready for the poorhouse. I had up the costs of maintaining her in such luxury and she is astonished at the financial mathematics of her maintenance. I go slowly and I know it's all forgotten quickly but in the moment..........
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    1. She has been so kind to me Jackie over the years and walked me through some challenging times. Her advice and support were always priceless. I love her dearly.
      XO
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  5. I love the fact that your friendship continues to sustain you both.

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    1. It truly does EC through thick and thin. And I don't view this as thin at all.
      XO
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  6. You are a good friend. Most people would walk away. You love her and that is the difference,

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    1. I really do E, we've had a few rough matches over the past nearly 40 years but the love always shone through.
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  7. This friendship is a wonderful story to be telling us. When my wonderful grandmother entered her dotage I was the only person beside my uncle who would spend time with her. My uncle was her darling son, and she was OK with him telling her what to do. My approach was the opposite. I generally asked her what she used to do, and could sit back and hear a lot of family history in her lovely voice.

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    1. What a lovely story Joanne. So many people avoid interacting with those whose mental faculties have diminished. Fear I imagine of it happening to themselves and also confusion as to how to manage it. I have observed others pestering patients with questions over and over again and it truly bothers me. Questions are the worst things for anyone suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's.
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  8. I love that she goes out to count cars. I couldn't do that here, there are so many I'd get dizzy, I live near a main road and probably see two hundred in five or ten minutes. Love the new invention too, headbands :)
    I'm glad she is still able to remember you and talk for so long.

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    1. It's a busy road River so she's often done quickly I would say but then time is not meaningful to her anymore. To her it's the entire afternoon. Or day.
      I am so grateful for this connection.
      XO
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  9. What a wonderful friendship.

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    1. It really is Ramana, may we all be so blessed as to be present for each other when the chips are down.
      XO
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  10. She sounds like she has a great sense of humor. Wonderful friend! Gigi hawaii

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  11. Such a sweetness. Love endures. My dear mother-in-law has lost (for the most part) her language - aphasia is what it's called, I believe - the words that come out are often non-sensical to the listener. Early on she knew there was a problem, but I was a welcome and good guesser. It's heartberaking now as I know she has things to say and I'm no longer able to guess. Still I go, visit, hold a hand, try to ease the anxiety, appreciate the moment (and try to save her son the wrath he often triggers - he too being accused of untruths). I saved the beautiful words of Lana's son shared in an earlier post and read it often. Kim in PA (USA - it's still a decent place - you see what you look for)

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    1. It does endure. Has your MIL lost her ability to read too? I am so sorry to hear of her aphasia Kim but so happy you can spend time with her. Kim the US is full of wonderful caring and compassionate people. I know so many. I do hope you all retrieve your beautiful country from those who wish to destroy it.
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    2. no reading (she had been an avid reader - macular degeneration took care of tht before the dementia), no doing much - abruptly stopped cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. all at once, so we took on another household (MIL and FIL) for quite awhile. It was difficult and sad and also exhauting at times. But we did what we cold for as long as we could. It felt like a "calling" actually because we had the right temperament for the job.

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  12. I'm so glad to hear this report on Lana and to know your friendship still nourishes both of you.

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    1. Thank you Linda, tho she had deteriorated slightly in my last call after this one. Forgetting rapidly a prior remark.
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  13. I like the way she counts cars to keep her brain exercised. And I like they way she thought a headband was a wonderful new invention!

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    1. Me too Nick, I have such a good laugh with her. She can still laugh at herself.
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  14. What a beautiful thing! I don't think I have a friendship so nourishing and that's without the impact of dementia.
    I don't want old lady hair, either. Ick

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    1. Fizzhead was a wonderful term I thought, Kylie, perfect description.
      XO
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