Up to about a month or so ago she was still driving which alarmed me greatly. I kept in touch with her son and another friend of hers who checked on her regularly.
Then a few weeks ago she wasn't answering her phone and her son found her on the floor of her living room with a massively swollen right leg.
He sprung into action. Got her to the hospital (she had blood clots) and immediately arranged for her to be admitted to a care facility. A very fancy care facility. Unaffordable to most but it turns out he's one of those quiet millionaires (real estate, stock market). Her house is worth a lot but he hasn't seen the need to sell it yet. She is very fortunate.
I call her once a week and enter her brand new world. She surprises me with her sharpness at times, asks about my writing, wants to hear all about the workshop but I'm very much in the now with her. All short term memory is wiped as with a blackboard eraser from her mind within a very short length of time.
It humbles me. She speaks of her surroundings - a chandelier in her room, a brand new TV screen installed by her son, a selection of framed pictures and photos from her former home. She laughs. "I wouldn't have chosen any of these myself" and she describes them to me. Her leg is shrinking. And she's walking the halls.
Every floor is carpeted - a long cry from most "care" homes. It's like a luxurious hotel" she says. A privilege denied to many. And she knows it. She is incredibly grateful to her son who stepped up to the plate, so to speak. Their sometimes fractious past long forgotten.
It's extraordinarily peaceful talking to her for about 45 minutes every week. We are very much in the now. I never question her. Even asking her about dinner would be stressful but now and again she'll talk about the menu and I am astonished at the choices on offer and her memory in recalling the items - a long list.
She asks me to give her some memories which I do. Trip to Ireland, trip to New Brunswick, a couple of trips to Newfoundland and to her parents when they were alive, weekend retreats, volunteer community work we shared. She delights in each memory recalled for her.
"My grandson has my car!" she suddenly announces to me.
"You loved that car!" I answer.
"It was time," she says, "I'm OK with not driving again."
I am profoundly affected by this. She adored driving. And knew far more than I about cars.
I dread the day she forgets me but right now when I call her, she is bowled over with love for me. As I am for her.
How wonderful for her. One of my maternal aunts had Alzheimer's and I will admit I found it hard to communicate with her.
ReplyDeleteThe trick I found Jackie with a husband of a friend was never, ever ask a question. Even a simple one can throw the patient into a frenzy of worry. I make announcements mainly. I saw some birds today. Daughter visited me today. And that can start a conversation with her. I feed her the obvious too, like names of other dear friends. And my own name when I call her. I use "I remember" a lot with her. She loves that.
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Thank you. These are tips I'll remember. -Kate
DeleteYou're welcome Kate, we just never know when us or family or friends are affected by this.
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A beautiful tribute to your friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you Sandra. I do miss her so.
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I have (I hope) found a convoluted way to comment. I am glad to have read this beautiful post - and glad for you and your friend that you still have these precious moments.
ReplyDeleteOh you're here, EC. I find it so challenging to navigate Wordpress. 11 steps at times. Which includes going out and in again after many maneuvers. Really annoying. I copy and paste my comment always - another 2 steps. Grr.
DeleteI cherish these moments with her EC, because I have no idea how long they will last.
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It sounds as if she is reasonably happy at the moment. I am impressed with you having a phone at your ear for forty five minutes. Twenty is my absolute limit and before then I pace back and forth to the phone cradle to hang up. Well, ok, it is my mother. She is the only person to ring our landline.
ReplyDeleteI have her on speaker Andrew and usually knit as I'm talking on the phone (mobile). Haven't had a landline in about 8 or 9 years.
DeleteMy calls with R, my dead friend, would always be 3-4 hours and calls with Daughter can run us 4 hours. I book time with others and often turn the phone off too. A good balance I feel.
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I didn't think it possible to have a dementia "good news story" but you wrote one! I hope you both continue to enjoy these calls and I thank you for outlining the strategy you use. It will surely come in handy some day.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kylie that's my purpose in writing it. She astonishes me at times in her recall. Or she questions me on all the history we have shared, asking me is so-and-so true. I tread very lightly as you can see as I never wish to frighten her.
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It is good that she is so well taken care of. If money is available there are some very nice care facilities, I visited a friend's parent with dementia in such a Halifax facility once and thought I might be able to afford a two-week vacation there. Sounds like she has good family and a very good friend too.
ReplyDeleteI could never afford where she is Dragonfly, the costs are like a hotel too :) Understandable if one has the money.
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Nice. Crappy, yes, but in a nice way. I hope you and she both can always find something to feel good about. -Kate
ReplyDeleteAs long as her bits of memory hold firm Kate. The previous time I called she asked after my daughter by name which pleased me no end. It's unpredictable, I just let her carry it.
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I'm so happy that she still remembers you, happy also that she can live those (many?) last years in comfort with proper care.
ReplyDeleteAnd I believe there is no regret in her, that was all taken away with this disease. I knew a man who lived 20 years after diagnosis but I couldn't see him anymore, it was too distressing. Not to him but for those who loved him.
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She is one fortunate lady. Such things don't happen to ordinary mortals. And that includes having you as a caring friend.
ReplyDeleteHer whole plan was to live in her home with a caretaker living rent-free in an apartment she had there. Funny how things can change in a heartbeat, Ramana. she planned out every dollar of her retirement even though compared to say, me, she was really, really well off financially.
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I will never forget the day my mom called me and told me her sister, my aunt, didn't remember her anymore. Mom was devastated. My hope is that you enjoy your friend for a long time even after she forgets.
ReplyDeleteWhat lovely thoughts, thank you so much. I am hoping. I always tell her who I am when I call and will continue to do so. I've seen the stress the unknown causes in those who are afflicted when people play childish games with them. I remember prompting an aunt (dementia brought on by the death of her youngest) and just telling her the name of her sister, my mother, and having the her recall immediately that I was her daughter and she cried for my loss. It was so moving. I believe the secret is in letting them lead conversations wherever they are going.
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She is very fortunate to have such appealing surroundings. Most care homes in Hawaii are not as nice as hers. Her son seems like such a nice, caring son to have placed his mother in such a beautiful home.
ReplyDeleteHe has truly stepped up Gigi. As I mentioned, their relationship was rocky which I won't get into here. But she is quite surprised at his beneficence.
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That's a heart-warming account. Yes, how lucky she is to have a wealthy son who can pay for such a luxurious facility.
ReplyDeleteMust be comforting to you to see your dear friend cared for so well. Yes, if there are funds, there can be some excellent care facilities, but likely not ones the masses will ever experience. Still, we can be glad if anyone for whom we care is fortunate enough to receive such care if needed.
ReplyDeleteI recall a few years ago my last living life-long friend, a year older than me, wrote asking me to engage in recalling memories with her. Her request had seemed secondary to wanting to share experiences I had with my husband's medical decline before he died though not from dementias of any sort. Her husband was ill, back problems as my husband had, lots of unrelieved pain. Only after her husband died did she write me one time that she had gone down town where she had lived for decades, so knew the area well, and she suddenly didn't know where she was. I began to realize her memory was going and short term recall issues accounted for why she didn't focus more on acquiring more computer skills -- asking for and preferring to exchange hand-written letters. Her problem may have been associated with kidney disease (though she never said she had it) but I think she didn't want to undergo regular dialysis after she had one treatment. Not long after that event, her contact with me dwindled, then ceased and later her younger sister phoned me of her death.