It took a while for it all to sink in.
Here I was with 2 years of disability, chronic pain, no energy, lack of oxygen and underperforming blood running through my system now behind me. Well almost behind me. I am feeling much better than I had been. So I plunged into a busy life with a lot on the go.
SOS: We had put out an anonymous survey in our building in an effort to ascertain the monthly income of seniors, what items they were lacking, what changes they'd like to see made in their current situations, etc. And also, if comfortable, please donate as we were not government funded. The response? Less that 10% of residents responding. A solitary donation of $5.00.
A request on the SOS page with its 600 members across Canada asking for donations and volunteers to help with our SAD day (Senior Awareness Day) on December 1st, resulted in zero.
As I was working on the SAD pledge poster and participant form which was the major fundraiser - all participants agree to live on the $7.00 per day impoverished elderly seniors live on - the lightbulb lit up in my head. My one assistant was deteriorating with an incurable tremor condition so can't keyboard and her tech abilities are diminished along with her voice on the phone.
I asked myself if I was living in joy or stress. And the answer was loud and clear.
I had to stop. And after 4 hours of graphics wrestling, I laid down and thought. Enough, already. Stop this nonsense. And the relief overwhelmed me, almost immediately. This was like a full time job that was a painful reminder of other positions I positively hated and couldn't wait to bail from.
I had let go of all the things I loved, blogging, writing, knitting, workshops, music, even repotting my plants. No time. It consumed me. And for what? The sound of crickets with every announcement, survey, pleas for help.
I met with my partner, and she agreed. Her health is failing. She told me she couldn't sleep with the stress of not performing even the simplest tasks.
We gave it our very, very best. And would have given more. But the universe has a great way of showing us that even all that wasn't enough.
So we are each sleeping better.
And my tradeoff is a return of all the joys I had let go.
A beautiful card of Dingle Beach Horses and a handmade linen star sent from my sister in Ireland.
I sort of agree. It is a lost cause, a losing battle. You gave it your best. Now, it is time to enjoy the remainder of your life.
ReplyDeleteYes and the only battle is with those who need the assistance most. I think advocacy has died somewhere along the line for most seniors, it's still baffling to me.
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It sounds like the very best trade off to me. Hooray for being able to ENJOY your increased energy.
ReplyDeleteIt surely is EC. I feel it in my bones. Even if I were younger and more agile and able I would have decided "enough".
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Welcome back!
ReplyDeleteThanks Charlotte!
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I'd like to think everyone goes through a period of activism in their lives, to make things better in the world, but it shouldn't be all consuming. Clearly you made the right decision.
ReplyDeleteI've been an activist since Gawd was an altar boy, Andrew - so many issues, but I was energetic and concerned and felt I did some good. Not this time. Lots of words of support but no concrete assistance. So the exit is peaceful and feels right.
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Jeez! Just as I was thinking about where to make my November charitable donation and you mentioned asking for SOS donations and I thought "Ah ha! Where do I send the cheque?" you announce that you're done with it.
ReplyDeleteWell, if anyone's still collecting, please send me the mailing address so I can donate a few dollars.
Meanwhile, I understand letting go of what seems to be resultless effort that is exhausting you. Your own health and state of mind has to come first. You can't fix everything. xoxo Kate
Oh Kate, how very generous of you! made me tear up a little. No, no more donations, I'll leave the web page up for a while along with the email, etc. and make an announcement about it, etc. But right now I don't feel kind enough to be a gentlewoman and bow out gracefully.
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It was maybe a bit too close to home and I can understand the reluctance of some of your fellow residents (anonymously or not) to give what they regard as personal information to a well meaning but non authorised non governmental body. ‘Mind your own business’ and ‘do you think cash grows on trees’ come to mind
ReplyDeleteYou had the energy in years past but ‘Banging your head against a brick wall’ today is not how you should spend your time……especially without the support you so desperately need. Please don’t take it to heart - the younger ones will be old soon enough, then their head banging will begin- unfortunately without you to lead the charge
Take care
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Collecting data on seniors is extraordinarily hard work, Cathy. Most government agencies don't bother as we found out. Especially in the worsening conditions they are living under. We felt an accurate survey of this building would be a microcosm of how difficult simple survival is becoming.
DeleteBut not to be, alas. There is a huge shame factor in being elderly and impoverished as we have found out. Especially here where the RCs imprinted everyone with it.
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A very worthy trade off in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like it River, I am doing so much better mentally and emotionally.
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A great decision. One that you will not regret having made.
ReplyDeleteNo regrets at all Ramana, it is very freeing.
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It must have been a bit tough to make that decision but I’m glad you are okay with it and are moving forward. At this time of life energy is precious and we need to feel like the spending of it is worthwhile, however we define “worth”. Happiness is catching, being genuinely happy is a contribution to those around us. After a lifetime of activism I doubt anyone begrudges you contentment now.
ReplyDeleteIt sure was Annie, but happily the old feelings of shame, guilt and failure were not with me. It's good to be an age when we truly come into ourselves and make hard decisions without the old feelings in tow.
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I breathed a huge sigh of relief for you. It's so good to be where you are in your life when you follow your own road and find yourself comfy with your decisions - without guilt. Good for you! Hugs from the base of the mini-mountain in Maine where I also have made a decision and feel so much better myself. All the best to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you Regina, it truly is time to enjoy myself and not feel something is a millstone around my neck. :)
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It's easy to ignore the elderly, they haven't the energy to make a song and dance about their conditions.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the things you love!
So true Kylie and I did my best. What bothers me is the agencies know we don't have the energy so do nothing.
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So completely on the dot! This morning I dreamt that I was trying to cook a huge meal and family and friends kept telling me that a bunch of them needed to leave early so I'd better hurry up. None of them were helping and I was rushing around looking for more potatoes when I finally cried out "This is the worst night of my life" waking myself up! I'm visiting Labrador right now and made a decision yesterday that I was allowed to visit without immersing myself in all the sadness going on (the reserve is at the lowest I've seen it). I'm not going to cadge a ride to the school in the hopes of someone offering me a room to talk to kids in. I'm going to write and go for a walk. My decision yesterday, the dream and your post have nailed it! Thank you and yes lightness is available.
ReplyDeleteLovely to hear from you Jan. Yes, it's amazing how we can have those moments stolen from us by trying to do the "right thing" or immersing ourselves in social issues when we have the desire but simply don't have the energy. We need to take care of ourselves.
DeleteI was in Labrador in June and loved every minute. I can see how some are enchanted with this beautiful place.
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You made the right decision - to give up the arduous lobbying and focus on the things you really enjoy. Jenny and I decided we've done our fair share of political lobbying and now's the time to indulge ourselves without feeling any guilt about it.
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time, Nick, you are absolutely right. This decision was peaceful and felt right even though I still weep for the suffering of senior women out there.
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That is indeed a beautiful card. Good for you for realizing that you can no longer bear the larger weight of others problems. Enjoy what you can each day.
ReplyDeleteThank you E, I'm reading Being Mortal for the second time at the moment and it is all about creating the slivers of joy rather than pain and stress.
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I am reminded of the quote that was attributed (likely in error) to W.. Fields: "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it."
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