Friday, May 01, 2015

30 Days - Day 19

Before I start my day I lie in bed in the morning and do a mental survey. In spite of myself, my BFF Helen, who passed away in the past few months, springs to mind. I miss her more than words can say. Actually, truth be known, I can't find the words, the pain is so bad. I ask for her advice on challenging familial situations, like I always did. As she did me. But the answers don't come anymore. We were very good at "Remember when that happened and you did ......" or "you were such a star when you represented Ireland at Bridge....". Various validations of each other's worth. Self-validation is never enough, in spite of the gurus. Unless you're delusional.

My soul-friends are thin on the ground now. Many deaths. Others living far away. And here? I'm only known for the past 10 years basically. No historical setting for me. Just that I'm from magical Ireland and thus I'm viewed as if fairy dust was sprinkled all over me. No one wants to hear of the Ireland that betrayed me and mine in so many ways I can't even count them. How could I leave such a Utopia, they cry, baffled.

My lived experience, my truth, my very authenticity to use the fad word, is denied. Over and over again.

And there's something awfully lonely about that.


  1. My dear WWW, I don't quite understand: Why, and by whom, is your "lived experience, truth and very authenticity" denied?

    As to the perception of "magical Ireland" and "fairy dust". Makes me laugh vis-a-vis my own experience of living abroad. The English expect me to be Frau Saubermann (the Ueber Hausfrau) with floors you could eat off - and efficiency personified. Which is possibly more amusing than what you are alluding to.


  2. Ursula:

    It would take volumes, my dear, to cite chapter and verse, from bullying to "get on with its". Trust me.

    As to the shiny hausfrau expectations on you? I gather you're the bad example? LOL

    But as I was at my lowest yesterday, I finally picked up messages on my phone and had to laugh out loud as I was asked to give an "inspiring" speech at a dinner event in late May.

    Do you think I should do it?


  3. All I know is that you are special to me.
    Thousands of miles apart
    never met
    but your words many times describe this on.
    thought I could not make it
    like I fell in a hole
    today - sun is shining
    and think I am going to live :)
    Please take care...

  4. Cosmic Twins there OWJ!

    You must be missing your son so fiercely! Enjoy your garden and do post more pics of it :)


  5. Too many people just don't want to hear about anything too miserable or painful. They only want to hear something pleasant or neutral. Very frustrating when you're desperate for them to understand the things you've been through. The rose-tinted sentimental views of Ireland are ridiculous.

    The loss of such a close friend must be so hard to come to terms with.


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