Saturday, February 02, 2019

Doldrums

Well, it's not the pit of despair, the familiar old Black Dog of depression I tell myself.

And it's not like we have the polar vortex here (we don't).

The sun has shone every day for a long time now (it has).

But sleep calls me too often. I nap long and hard and go to bed and sleep and my time with eyes closed begins to exceed time with eyes open. (Shame keeps this under lock and key)

Not good, I tell myself. (And I stay away from over analysis of the situation, it makes it worse)

I add 2 Tylenols to the CBD oil to alleviate the pain which halts me in my tracks, a bony hand yanking at my collar in parking lots, shopping aisles, galleries. I review the gentle yoga class I took and think: "tomorrow" I'll start this daily follow up process. {Tomorrow is a fallacy. The only change is in the "Now")

I make notes about change, mindful of the mantra: If nothing changes, nothing changes. Which sounds as if written for a simpleton but the kernel of truth lodged within forces me to think about why I am sitting/lying in this home-made waiting room of death.

I bore myself. I text the one friend who understands this malaise, the one being on the planet I can be honest with, who never judges me as I don't judge her lapses and failings. (She crucifies herself with alcohol, I do the same with sugar). We can only share with those who have their own dark nights lapping at their days. Understanding and compassion and no lectures about boot straps and getting a grip (on what?).

What can I commit to today? Emails from the local library, full of books I have ordered on line.

"I will get dressed," I text her, "I will go to the library and then buy some baby clothes for a brand new grand-niece named Hailey. And then I will change the sheets on my bed and work on a client's tax compliance problem that I have procrastinated endlessly that has a vicious grip on my sense of well-being." (Procrastination being voracious in its destructive appetite, boring into the psyche).

We'll see how these tiny changes ripple outwards.

33 comments:

  1. Trying to take care of myself today here.
    May I step into your pool to help with the ripples.
    Do you have a small cafe near enough to you to get out and sit amongst the living?

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    1. I dressed myself Gemma and went out and about and picked up things and chatted to strangers. I am quite chuffed.

      XO
      WWW

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    1. That water's not as deep as it was this morning.

      XO
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  3. I'm sleeping a lot at the moment too. Is it jet lag after returning from New Zealand? Is it my age? Is it laziness? Am I getting too much of a liking for sleep? I really don't know.

    I'm not one for malaise or despair - not for longer than about 10 minutes anyway. But I don't judge those who sink into it all too easily. We're all human and life affects us in different ways.

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    1. I'd say a combo for you, Nick. The jet lag, the aging. I do love sleep, far too much. And I am aware I am so lucky to have that as so many in my age bracket don't.

      XO
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  4. Nothing to say to alleviate your pain but sending you a good Irish hug...

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    1. Thank you Molly, there's a kind of haunting in my bones lately. A lingering sadness.

      XO
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  5. I hear you. And bore myself to sobs. But change nothing. You are so right about the depth and power of that mantra. Sigh.

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    1. EC, funny isn't it? And all it takes is changing just one thing and enjoy the ripple effect. *sigh*

      XO
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  6. I almost write this. Every night I set the alarm for 8 and say "I will get up!" Once this week, I did. I no longer made doctor appointments as early as 10 am. I am beginning to frighten myself.

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    1. I am so glad I am not alone, tho mine is weird, I get up 7.30. But then, the big then, I can go back to bed at 2 or 3 or 4 and sleep again for 4 hours. Having had a solid 8 the night before. Today I didn't do that. A huge effort. I don't need the sleep, it's just escapism or something.

      XO
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  7. Shopping for a new niece and changing the sheets is more than I accomplish most weeks!
    Push yourself to do five minutes of yoga, it surely will help and it's just five minutes
    Xx

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    1. I was thinking that Kylie, just 5 minutes and this building has most of the residents walking as it extends in too many wings to count plus stairways.

      The sheets and the niece are taken care of. The dishes too. And putting stuff away.

      I feel not as good as I thought I would tho :(

      XO
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  8. As Joanne said, I could have written this, if I had your talent that is. The procrastination drives me mad. but I can't seem to change it. I think the state of this world drags many of us down. I know I have a terrible case of Trumpitis. Hang in there.

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    1. Carolyn, you know what I keep forgetting the political scene has a profound effect on all of us along with the news reports of women being murdered/assaulted etc. Never ending.

      It has to take a toll on all of us, this worry about climate change as well and extreme weather.

      XO
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  9. Lethargy seems to be prevalent at this time of year for most everyone over 40 that I know. Days still too short, aches and pains exacerbated by the cold and damp and cold and damp that make us less likely to go out. Life is just harder right now. That said do check and see if taking CBD at night instead of in the day will help. If you take more that once a day try 11 am and 11pm. 11am I am up and moving around some so I am less affected by CBD/THC oil and 11pm is near bedtime.
    Both of my dogs now take CBD oil(one for old age and one for anxiety) and it makes them more lethargic if given in the am so we now give in the evening and it has made a difference.
    Your action of writing here is rippling out to your readers and letting us know that we are not the only ones struggling. Thank you.

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    1. Oh I am so happy (well, not happy but you know) that there are more in my tribe, thank you for this Candace. I will try CBD oil at night. Yes, it just seems more of a struggle and so much more of an effort to get my shyte together. And really there is no shyte as I don't do makeup or any kind of grooming. I am clean and tidy, that's when I do venture into the big world. Otherwise the comfort of pjs enshroud me. And my books.

      XO
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  10. Doldrums is an excellent word to describe me lately. I find myself sleeping well at night, as always, but napping during the day too. I simply have no desire to do anything.

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    1. A lack of desire is a good descriptor, River. I mentally shrug at everything. Been there, done that, next? Craving some kind, any kind of excitement.
      Or motivation.

      XO
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  11. A journey of a thousand miles starts beneath one's feet.

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    1. Well, duh, Ramana, but when you don't want to move those feet?

      XO
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  12. I have filled the rooms with tulips. Even the front porch has red ones to match the front door. They help lighten the mood around here. Oh, and cake, I bought a carrot cake and had a relative over to eat cake and toast my sister's birthday. She would have been 84.

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    1. Breaking the spell, tulips are wonderful. I do have my African violet babies which bloom and cheer me a little. Motivation is what I lack but I do like your idea of creating an event of some kind.

      XO
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  13. I'm so sad that you do not read Danish. Piet Hein worte one of his grooks (small, rhyming trueisms) om being tired and procrastinating. I hang this on my computer monitor every year when the dark evenings and mornings come around. Grooks are supposed to be read like "Yes .. I know ... Yes I have heard all this before, and yet" not to shame out anybody, but to uncover the common denominator for all of mankind, with a smile in the eye ;)
    You'll have th bear over with my inadequate translation and well wishes ... here goes:

    The paradox of being tired.

    The more you get done,
    the less tired you are.
    Few people get this one,
    Because it's bizare.

    It's easy to discover this,
    if you discover too,
    that that what makes you tired,
    is what you do not do.
    (Træthedens paradoks Piet Hein - Translation by MotherOwl)

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  14. Thank you so much Uglemore, that is such a truism and has helped me today to non-procrastinate a task. So much appreciated.

    XO
    WWW

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  15. Yes, I have had such depressing days. My only response is: Take it easy and don't expect so much.

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    1. Thank you Gigi, great advice, I can be terribly hard on myself.

      XO
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  16. I hope those small steps helped lighten your day a little.

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  17. Ah, the dreaded malaise. Partly physical pain, partly emotional. When it strikes, I literally take myself by the hand and go out for a walk, talking all the time to the sad self about the little miracles I see. Most often it helps, even to go a short way. I do not do well with people, so immersing myself in company never works. So I help my sad self, and then together we can help others - volunteering to read to the kiddies at the library, say, or baking something and distributing it to the neighbors.

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    1. Oh that is lovely Pauline. I find helping others comes easy when I have been gentle with myself. I am not good in company when this happens either. Just hang out with myself. Yesterday I designed a scarf and started winding the wool for it. It helped a lot.

      XO
      WWW

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  18. A bit late to this post, WWW - I was side-tracked by a distant cousin (resulting from DNA results) contacting me for details, and in doing so using up my allocation of spoons, I guess! :) I like the metaphor!

    I do envy your ability to sleep, WWW. I've been having trouble lately on this front due to joint/muscle pains (side effects of a med now stopped). Sleeping on a recliner in the living room has been the pattern for a few weeks, with a bit of TV + captions, some Melatonin, and perhaps a painkiller. Sleep comes piecemeal at best. :(

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