Saturday, June 20, 2020

Concessions

An outrageous sunset from 2010

Talking about concessions to old age here.

I keep running into myself, the old self. The one who thinks she'll wake up in the morning and she'll have been "fixed" overnight into what she used to be. You know, tennis, marathons, hiking. And that's just before breakfast.The acceptance of where I'm actually at physically has taken forever to penetrate. I've gotten glimmers, of course, but not complete acceptance. And I know that acceptance doesn't mean approval.

But I need to deal and stop this magical thinking. And I think I've made headway in the past week.

I had a terrible experience during the week where I did too much in one day, didn't pace myself, and nearly collapsed in a grocery store, felt ill. Completely out of steam. Pain like gawd knows what.

I called my Whine Buddy the following day after first of all brushing off some smaller commitments as I was cranky, upset, overly tired and felt like a blight on humanity.

I always feel like a new woman, freshly invigorated, after talking with her, she is only in her fifties but has challenging physical issues of her own, compounded by an elderly parent now in hospital. She has to use his old walker to visit him, she's the only designated visitor due to Covid. And the interminable trudge through the poorly designed Health Science Centre here has to be seen to be believed. Instead of pushing the design upwards, they went all over the map into a massive sprawl of unmarked corridors and cul-de-sacs. this with an aging demographic. I've had to be pushed though it in a wheelchair just to get from clinic to clinic.

But I digress.

We started coming to terms with "I'll have to ask for help" which is something we hate to do. I just know I can't face another day like Wednesday where I thought I'd be one of those carted off, unconscious, in an ambulance. Afterwards I went to the lake and bawled like a baby. This is an honest blog.

I need to explain myself better to those who care about me. And stop pretending. Say no without fear. Accept the help of a friend recently who said she help with some physical therapy. Accept the help of loved ones who offer to pick up groceries. Have Joanna come once a week to do what's necessary here. Stop complaining about the increased cost of my podiatrist.

And every time I start to feel I can't carry on ask that old question a therapist way back had taught me."Because?" If you've never heard of it I'll post about it the next time. It's enormously helpful and I had forgotten about it until someone in Zoom mentioned it recently.

So I've hauled it out.

And I tumbled across this photo looking for something else. How Ansa, the Wonder Dog, loved to pose. 2009. She makes me smile now, it took me years to stop crying over photos of her.

39 comments:

  1. I'd like to hear your "because?" I could need a little of this now. I feel sorry for you for not being able to do what you like to do, that's the worst part of getting older. I hope you can bulldozer through to some modicum of acceptance, not Approval.

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  2. Yes, I will post on it as it helps me immeasurably. I feel in chanrge of that bulldozer today.
    XO
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  3. I too would like to hear your "because" since there are days . . . But on a lighter note, thank you so much for another picture of Ansa. I had saved some of the ones you shared before, she reminds me of a wonder dog of mine from years ago and the photos of Ansa are so wonderful to see, also along with the invariably beautiful scenery from your location. Take good care.

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    1. Thank you Marge - I had many dogs over the years but Ansa was the one, a rescue, we became in total sync, very hard to describe but an extraordinary gift I will forever treasure. We were inseparable. Lovely to know that you too had such a dog.

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  4. Add me to those who would like to hear/needs to hear your because.
    I whip myself often because 'normal' people can do whatever it is I am struggling with. And often fail to pace myself and pay the increasingly steep price.
    Ansa is beautiful. I can well understand the love (and the tears).

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    1. Adaptation to change is a challenge, EC, I think many of us struggle with it. Yes I will post on this old system now revitalized thanks to Zoom.

      She was indeed a fabulous dog. We went everywhere together and so many knew her and photographed her. So obedient too, just a snap of the fingers for her to sit or lie or stay. It took a while to train her though as she was very abused as a puppy but so worth the joy when she finally sat on her haunches and looked me in the eye and no longer ran away.

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  5. Both are such nice photos. My mother constantly battles against medical things that are simply about being old. I don't think that is good for anyone. Some things just have to be accepted.

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    1. But it's the journey to get there can be strewn with challenges, I find being more open about it is helping me recently. Maybe not so much dumping on family but on friends who are OK with it.

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  6. 'Accept. Welcome.' This/these are what I'm trying to remember and trying to do. Easier said than done. I bet you'd believe how often I forget! - Kate

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    1. It's a daily learning opportunity Kate but I do believe it's important to share as so very many carry it in "bravery" and get quite depressed as no one is there for them in their strdy "performance". Maybe it's self protection too.

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  7. Let me hear it, please. It's finally summer and I'm already thinking I cannot face another winter.

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    1. I hear you Joanne. As I finally couldn't face another winter in the house.

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  8. All my life I've been one who doesn't like to ask for help, so when the time comes it will be hard for me. I'll be getting some practice soon, helping a neighbour who has a knee replacement scheduled for next week and I'll be helping out once she gets home, although she will have a personal carer for the first week or so for the showering and dressing part. I'm not looking forward to being the one who needs help, eventually, I'll try to not be cranky about it.
    I'm curious about the "because?"

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  9. Me too River always independent, hating even mouthing the word help, always apologetic when I was forced to, lying on a floor almost unconscious. But absolutely great at helping others, daily visits to patients in hospital, etc. Never batting an eye. And I don't accord that to others who want to do the same for me.
    How else can young ones learn too by observing those who are helping the aged or infirm?
    XO
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    1. Thank you Ernestine. I know you live similarly.

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  11. I had to attend a class to learn to say NO. Since then, I have had no problems with that particular bugbear. Recently I was asked by a neighbour to help with a membership and election drive and you should have seen how tactfully I got out of that exercise. Even after four days, I feel quite smug about that!

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    1. It's a huge learning curve Ramana, clinging to what we used to be. One of my walls came when I had to resign from three boards. Broke my heart but hell......
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  12. Oh, don't we all have those moments. That dog looked adorable. Carry on.

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    1. I think we should share more about them. Or maybe partnership is a support system which ensures we have another to confide our challenges to?

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  13. Thnx so much for being so honest. I,too, had a really bad physical day on Thursday. Wednesday I traveled in a car too long and then the next day worked in my garden in the morning. I hurt so bad. I have to be making a decision about gardening like I do. I love it but I suffer if overdo. I am so looking forward to your post about Because?
    I loved my dog, Speckles. He was my soulmate. He went everywhere with my husband and I. I miss him so but at this stage of life my being a dog mom are over. I have grand furbabies that fill that void a little. Just another loss to go through with getting older. But such fond memories. Speckles just wanted to be with us and what a gift he was to us.

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    1. I hear you Judi, soul mate indeed. I often felt ridiculous saying that out loud but then others began saying it as she was with me always, parked on my feet, sticking her head into my neck when I was just sitting there, travelling everywhere with me, the perfect car and hotel dog. We found each other when we needed rescue the most.

      Yes I had to make those decisions about leaving my paradise too. But no regrets. It was the best time.

      Sparkles should have met Ansa.

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  14. Years ago, long before I needed it, I was given a piece of advice from someone: do one thing a day. Nowadays, if I accomplish one thing a day, I feel like I'm doing well. Ansa looks lovely!

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    1. Great advice, I always bit off more than I can chew. One thing a day is quite perfect.

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  15. What a beautiful girl Ansa was!
    I'm good at pacing myself but I will never stop resenting the need to

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    1. That's a good way of putting it Kylie. Resentment is certainly an issue I need to deal with.

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  16. I have found saying no is liberating. And others that are also faltering, good sympathizers.

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    1. Yes, it is Gemma, or just giving it the 24 hours before a decision is made is also helpful, the evaluation process.

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  17. It's a matter of independence - it's normal to hate giving that up but people like to be helpful, so you're actually doing a kindness when you allow them to be! Plus it's so much better to grow old gracefully. That's what I tell myself anyway - the test will be when I get to where you are! Glad to see from the comments that you're already feeling better about it all.

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    1. I have a consult with my doc today Molly as there were a few issues I haven't brought up here and looking at my list to discuss with him I was shocked at how many serious items were on it. I think I brush a lot under the carpet too. I need to be more vocal - as if this blog isn't vocal enough - ha.

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  18. Sorry to hear of all the age-related problems. I would certainly find it hard to accept other people's help when I'm used to my independence and physical fitness. I hope you can find a way of adjusting to your increasing physical limitations.

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    1. Me too Nick, I'm working on it. But I also think it is good to write about such matters as so many just do stiff upper lip, my father did, and he did us a great disservice as to what to expect as an aging person. I am positive now my health issues are inherited from him. He never talked about such matters.

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  19. Accepting limitations as they arrive and become glaringly evident is difficult and humbling. Not to mention sometimes a bit scary due to the vulnerability factor creeping in. Keeping Independence is a Goal, I'm full time Caregiver to a Disabled Spouse and still raising a Special Needs Teen Grandchild, so I've got to stay in decent shape. I took a Senior fall during COVID and couldn't get in to see a Doctor, by the time they opened back up the shoulder still hurt but Months had passed so it was just scary to think about post-fall. We do have to somewhat embrace the natural changes and challenges of the Aging Process, it's a privilege not afforded to many, this growing Old business. Be Well and stay Safe.

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  20. Thank you Bohemian for your honest comment and I do hope your shoulder heals. We're all in this together.
    I was reminded this morning of my friend D who died a few years back whom I talked to every night in the hospital before she died and she said, crying, oh I hope my brain is not leaving, my brain can't leave.
    Her cancer took her within five weeks from diagnosis to death and I am so very grateful today for my brain that can still do tax returns and some lovely paid editing jobs.

    A privilege indeed.

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  21. I have slowed down some but not quite there yet....I am 67. I told my husband the spoon story and now he asks me if I used all my spoons for the day and we laugh. Right now I am enjoying the little bit of slowness....I do still walk 4 miles a day so there is that. I did go back and read about your "betrayal" and you selling the paintings and gifts for one dollar. I have to admit it made me laugh...I totally understand!

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  22. Thanks Ain't, you have a few good years yet to go before life catches up, try and keep ahead of it!
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  23. I'm sure everyone will experience the same phase as you. Need to be listened to, need attention and need to express the contents of the heart. Keep writing so that the mind is cured. I pray that you will always be given happiness and health. Greetings from Indonesia.

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    1. Thanks you Himawan, your words are treasured.
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  24. I love that you have a whine buddy. We all so need to be heard.

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