Saturday, July 11, 2020

A Domino Effect

I wrote about Lana a few times, a dear long time friend who has Alzheimer's. It is getting far more difficult now to have conversations with her of any depth or meaning.

I felt an enormous burden after the last one. She told me her planning for retirement was going well and she was of course very fortunate to be doing all of this as she was in her fifties and had loads of time.

I thought it was a slip of the tongue until she mentioned it again later in the conversation, saying that she really felt more alive now that she was in her fifties. I let a lot slide with her but this time I said you're in your seventies. She didn't believe me and went hunting for her driver's licence and read out the date of birth to me January 1946. See, she said, I'm only in my fifties! I let it slide. I let everything slide. She is fighting with her sons over her estate (a significant one - she was a woman of extraordinary intelligence and financial acumen) and hanging up phones on them and confused as to how she has structured it and can't find copies of it anywhere. She is leaning heavily on me to tell her what to do.

I ran all this by another long term friend (he's not a friend of hers) and he advised me to back away as this was taking a huge emotional toll on me and anything I said to her would be forgotten in a minute, even though I tell her to take notes. Unless I'm into monologues. So yes, I have to let her go.

He also told me his liver cancer is back, half was removed over a year ago. This does not look good.

Sometimes, I don't think things such as these affect me mentally and emotional and physically. I have this denial mechanism that kicks in and I'm exhausted and dispirited and lackadaisical and sad and confused. Chin up, chest out, people are a lot worse off than you, etc. That's the inner voice.

But old age is a time of extraordinary loneliness (versus solitude, a different thing entirely). I'm aware that showing real feelings is dangerous behaviour. The BORE effect. I tend to lock down and pretend. Maybe this is a living alone protective strategy. But, observing those around me at The Lodge, I realise they are all in lock down too. Reduced to small talk and trivia, rather than the real and actual challenges of living so long as those loved and cherished disappear forever into the void.

And oh yeah, Joanna, my elderly cleaning lady is really losing it. Most notably, she forgot my apartment number even though she's been coming here since I moved in nearly 3 years ago. My name is on the board downstairs along with my apartment number. I found that really alarming.

Not to mention winding up our days in this Covid-19 scene. Something never predicted. We have one new case here after 43 days of none. Like a final domino to me in my downer state.


A view from the deck of my old house taken a few years ago. Oddly, it seems like yesterday at times. I loved that place.

34 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to read this. Dementia (whatever flavour/label) is the very cruelest of illnesses. MS means it is a distinct possibility for me which I dread.
    Step away if you can which is easier said than done.
    Huge hugs.
    After a couple of months with no new cases our numbers are climbing again. Slowly, but the upward trajectory is frightening.

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    1. Terrible times EC. The loss of Lana is awful but I know my friend R is right in what he says, the emotional toll can be really heavy and contribute to depression. I am trying to concentrate at the moment on completing my creative non-fiction book and winding up an absolutely gorgeous knitting project which was a very challenging piece.

      Daughter has MS but I am not too sure if she's aware of the dementia aspect. It's not something I'd bring up with her. And yes the extra load of Covid is heavy.

      XO
      WWW

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    2. It is a possibility not a certainty but haunts me. And if your daughter doesn't know about it bringing it up won't help her at all.

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    3. Exactly EC, she has gone the holistic route and it has worked very well with no deterioration for well over 10 years. MS is so unpredictable unique in each case.

      XO
      WWW

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    1. Thank you Ernestine, your creative process is saving you too, I see.

      XO
      WWW

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  3. Oh yes, very hard to back away from a friend in need when there really isn't anything you can do for her. The Atlantic "bubble" is a way to get the economy going again, but at a cost. Seeing these new cases is disconcerting and I think it is only going to get worse. I hope you can find some ease in all this, it's a difficult situation.

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  4. Very hard, Annie, I find writing it on the blog soothes me quite a bit. I know I have to back away, it is all fruitless and frustrating and heartbreaking. I hate feeling powerless but it is what it is. I wish her sons would step up but it's been a difficult situation as she had to give custody to their father and stepmother in another city for about ten years and they never quite forgave her. We do what we have to do.

    XO
    WWW

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  5. A road to nowhere comes to my mind, and everything that goes wrong could be 'your' fault. Sad about your cleaning lady too.

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    1. thanks Andrew, I thought any kind of interference with lawyers and doctors from me would be definitely my fault. She is in the hands of the universe now and it has to play out as it will.

      XO
      WWW

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  6. Old Age is a Privilege not afforded to many, but it sure does come with it's particular challenges and sorrows, doesn't it? Sad when the decline comes, to others we Care about and to ourselves... hard to face it sometimes, the vulnerability of it all, the limitations.

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    1. How true Bohemian, it is painful to observe deterioration in others but all part of the End Package. Sometimes we just have to care for ourselves.

      XO
      WWW

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  7. I'm often in denial too about things that affect me emotionally, I tell myself it doesn't matter so much and ten years from now who will even remember? Then I stuff myself with chocolate and other things I shouldn't eat. I've come to realise I am an "unhappy" eater, because when I'm happy I don't go near the kitchen unless I'm truly hungry.
    It would be sad to watch people forgetting things, like their age and what happens, or like your cleaner, your apartment number. So far I haven't known anyone like that.

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    1. Thankfully River, I've only seen a few. A great aunt and my maternal grandfather disappeared into what they called "Second Childhood" way back then, and Lana's mother and my friend Laura's husband. And of course some here in the building in different stages which is to be expected.

      XO
      WWW

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  8. This is a great Blog, So clear and easy to read. Thanks for sharing
    Regards:
    Ladies Country Shirts

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  9. All I can say is, thanks for sharing, and I hope tomorrow is a better day.

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  10. An old friend of my late wife recently contacted me again after many years to ask me why my wife had cut her off from her life. I told her the truth that it was not my wife who cut her off but, I as, I wanted to protect her from embarrassment as her dementia often led her to forget names and faces of people, even those very close to her. This lady was totally stunned as she did not know about the dementia. She finally laid one ghost to rest.

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    1. It's a horrible disease and not called The Long Goodbye for nothing. The grieving goes on and on while they are still alive as you well know.

      "You're the keeper of all my memories," said Lana to me in our last phone call. It broke my heart.

      XO
      WWW

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  11. I agree, very much, with you other long-term friend. Your backing away would, I suspect affect the lady in question hardly at all after the first hour or so, while not doing so would, eventually, play havoc with your own peace of mind, and your physical health too - both are far too precious to put in danger!

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    1. Yes, it is difficult but needs must T, I felt I was going down this senseless rabbit hole with her and I felt disloyal and helpless and grieving too for something that will never come back again. Letting go is difficult but I have to do it for my own sanity.

      Thank you.

      XO
      WWW

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  12. Yes, don't get involved. It could cause you a lot of grief.

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    1. It already has, Gigi, and I believe my grief quotient for her is all used up.

      XO
      WWW

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  13. Good advice from the not involved friend. The sons will be sorting it all, sooner or later. Sadly, she will not even miss you.

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    1. Agreed Joanne, a hard fact but the truth. Time to close the door on it. I hope. I'll feel terrible if she does call. But for my own sanity I need to back away.

      XO
      WWW

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  14. Sometimes things just add up and add up and we dont even know it until it crashes down.
    Maybe you can spend time with her on your stronger days. Or maybe not.

    Living longer than all around is cruel

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    1. It is Kylie, I remember my father telling me this and not understanding him. Every one of his peers was dead. He was not an emotional man but the way he said it was chilling even to me, in my fifties then.

      XO
      WWW

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  15. Long-time reader, first-time poster, because this subject is VERY dear to me. I know how terrible it is to see your friend in this state and how very draining it is. But I implore you to keep in touch. My father had dementia and lived with it for 11 years. It IS devastating, especially the first years as he could "feel" his mind leaving him.

    That said, in his later years ANY contact with ANYONE was a gift. He also could sense that he had some sort of long-term relationship with the person, if he did. Even if he didn't, phone calls, cards, etc. just made his day. Especially phone calls which, sadly, petered out from his long-term friends in just a couple of years. (They did still keep visiting for a couple of years more, bless them.)

    My father's loneliness and isolation was heart breaking. Believe me: he KNEW he was utterly alone. I don't want you to feel bad about stepping back, but dementia is a prison and if you can do even a few phone calls every few months, please do! Your friend needs you. Please call her as often as you are able. You will be giving her the greatest of gifts.

    (I am crying as I type this remembering my father's abject loneliness.)

    For help in your conversations, here are some links on how improvisational comedy techniques can help you both have great conversations. These techniques help your friend feel HEARD. And loved. Dementia patients always can sense love.

    Steer her away from "advice" conversations. Just talk to her!

    https://homecareassistance.com/blog/4-rules-improv-meet-effective-dementia-care-communication

    Here's a video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GciWItvLo_s

    I love your blog and your insights.

    My best,

    Jean

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    1. Also, if she says she's 57, just go with it. It harms no one. Telling her she's in her 70s probably feels the same to her as telling her she's a liar. But to her -- in her truth-in-that-moment -- she's 57; she's NOT wrong. Be 57 with her! Have fun with your conversations.

      Jean

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  16. I think your friend is right to advise you to back away. There's only so much you can do for someone who is so confused and detached from reality. Trying to get through to them is bound to be exhausting.

    Yes, other people's sudden memory loss is alarming. You're bound to wonder if you might be the next in line!

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  17. With Alzheimers, there is no sense in calling someone out on an error. It's absolutely best to just smile and nod and let it go.

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  18. I have an 80 yo friend who has a brother with dementia. She is taking it all to heart and she has to stop it is affecting her health.
    I had a maternal aunt with dementia and it was sad to watch as she forgot all of us.
    I have an uncle (by marriage) who will have surgery this week for liver cancer in Montreal. His daughter, my cousin, lives here in Toronto. He is guilting her (as is his girlfriend) into my cousin going up for the surgery. She will not be allowed into the hospital so what is the point?
    Yes, this getting old sucks.

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  19. Sorry, a little late, but here it is: I can so related to your experiences with Lana and Joanna. I've been living w/ similar changes in my husband for about five years now. No need for me to go into all the very odd things except to say "yes" he did go for various tests, etc. to see if he had Alzheimer's or anything else medically that would be impacting his behavior/memory. Nothing showed up. But & that's a big "but" - wow, he is so accident prone now and he's not the person I knew at all. His judgment is awful. He fell down the basement stairs because he was going down them backwards whilst holding a cabinet door to work on. Blood and semi-comatose lying on the floor w/ a huge gash in his head and leg. I can't leave him alone at all or go out to get a break alone because we relocated downsizing 4 yrs. ago and I don't know folks here. Picking up the slack, I have to check the stove to be sure it's off, lock the door at night, check the pets. When he goes out to garden I'm always checking on him. It's worse than having a two-yr. old because at least they do eventually learn to obey to keep safe. But the most difficult thing is that there are brief moments when the "old" husband returns and it's as if noting is wrong with him. So sad. I totally understand how you can feel spent/depleted in trying to maintain some sort of relationship w/ Lana. It's very, very difficult. On a lighter note: thanks for the photo taken from your former home. That's when I first read your blog & have followed it since. Warmest wishes.

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