Sunday, December 12, 2021

A Nuisance


This little beauty brings me great joy.

One of my father's phrases in later years was: "I try not to be a nuisance."

By that, he meant he tried not to burden his relatives by dropping in unexpectedly and often. He rationed himself out.

Except when it came to me, living in Canada and with him in Ireland. He got into the habit of visiting me for extended stretches of time every summer. A polite and courteous suggestion of shortening his trips was met with "then it wouldn't be worth my while to come."

So, in actual fact, he became a nuisance to his daughter. I forewent my own vacation time to travel around with him as he wanted to see so much like Washington DC, Ottawa, Canada, the Maritimes, Quebec City, Montreal, etc. He was not an easy man or an easy father. Contentious, rigid in his political views and with his Catholicism emanating from his very pores. Along with inbuilt misogyny. He had once told me when I was about sixteen that "your brains are wasted on a girl." 

So our twosomes were fraught with me holding my tongue, incredibly stressful when I look back on our trips. Even worse were the comments from strangers envying the pair of us, "Father and daughter travelling together, oh, I would have given anything to travel with my dad!" I always wanted to reply; "Well, here's mine, have a larf."

Finally one summer, I had a terrible blowup with him in Nova Scotia outside an inn where we were staying where his rudeness to an Australian couple, along with a derision of my chat with a US senator pushed me over the edge. And I thought to myself, "never again am I giving up my time to be insulted and degraded and embarrassed like this." It took many, many years for me to assemble this courage. To actually confront him on his appalling behaviour.

Of course, he had never seen me so enraged as I had rarely stood up to him in the past and never in this white froth of a ten year buildup of repression. No longer would he stay with me for endless weeks.

We remained civil afterwards, and our weekly correspondence continued.  I visited him in Cork, but the most remarkable thing was how he treated me now: with deference and respect. 

The last time I saw him we were staying at a brother's place in West Cork. And as we were all saying goodnight, I went over to him and put my arms around him, he looked so small and diminished in a corner with the family milling about all laughing and joking.

"Good night, daddy," I said, not having called him that in a donkey's age, "I love you."

And true to form, he pursed his lips, and turned away in embarrassment. 

But I think I caught the hint of a tear before he did so.


Just finished this on the fly, a dishcloth, I find enormous peace in knitting.


23 comments:

  1. I was lucky that my Dad, only had us two girls, thought we could do anything we wanted. Neither of my parents ever held us back. But I could never travel with them! First of all they were terrible smokers. To be fair, I don't like travelling with anybody, one of my worst trips was with my sister and family!
    Love that dishcloth. I love knitting too.

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    1. How fortunate Jackie, it's all a roll of the dice isn't it. I never doubted my father loved me in his own way but he was a control freak and I had to ban him from smoking cigars in my car. Talk of role reversal!

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  2. My father often touted a theory. He said that in his declining years he would levy his children a small amount each week. Not more than we could afford BUT he said, if we ever stopped paying, he would move in with us. Both my youngest brother and I assured him that we would pay promptly. In advance.
    I am glad that you were able to challenge him. And that it worked. And equally glad that you had that last physical interaction.

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    1. EC I had to laugh. You had to pay him to stay away. How brilliant.

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    1. Philip Larkin, the great English poet nailed it Charlotte!

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  4. Touching story. I identify with your Dad, except I really DO try not to be a nuisance -- short visits, stay in an airbnb. Oh, and I gave up Catholicism about 50 years ago (not that I have anything against it, just go to Methodist service with my wife couple of times a year).

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    1. Obviously you don't inflict yourself Tom for uncountable weeks of torture and distress.

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  5. That is a story with a nice ending. So much was expected of men of his vintage, not that it is an excuse for bad behaviour but society was as hard on them as it was on most people who stepped slightly out of the norm.

    "Here's mine. Have a larf." Very funny.

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    1. Oh there's no denying that Andrew, his childhood moulded him. But I should also add he introduced me as a young teenager to many, many remarkable events, like opera and university lectures, etc.

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  6. Your dad obviously did some reflecting after that outburst. It's a pity we need to have outbursts but I will take my hat off to the person who hears the message. Fantastic that you remained civil, too.

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    1. He was a very lonely man Kylie, a long time widower so there was a huge element of sadness in me for him.

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  7. That piece is far too pretty to use as a dishcloth.
    I'm glad you finally "blew up" at your dad and could wish you had done it much earlier, but these things happen in their own time and at least he did treat you with more respect after.

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    1. Thank you River. I was truly terrified of him for years. So the buildup was mighty.

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  8. After my marriage, my father came to stay with me only once and since he got into an accident and was hospitalised, he decided not to travel anymore till his second wife died and he had no place to live in. He moved in with me and made my life quite uncomfortable for four years before he finally left this world. I never could think of saying "I love you" to him as I simply did not. I performed my duty and was mightily relieved when it was all over.

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    1. I remember you writing about it when I first discovered you on the blogverse, Ramana. He sounded quite selfish and ungrateful and hats off for your forbearance in dealing with him.

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  9. That is just incredible. I never liked my mother and father, but was always cordial to them. I am glad that you told him you loved him at the end.

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    1. I was glad too Gigi, it was more for me than him. I felt such pity for him.

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  10. I was a sassy little git throughout my teens and probably had the last fallout with my parents in my late twenties when I got pregnant accidentally and wasn't married or staying with the biological father. We all became more careful and respectful once my baby was born very prematurely, and never had another problem. I'm so glad.

    Love your family stories. Actually, *all* your stories.

    -Kate

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    1. Thank you Kate for your kind words. We have such rough goes of it at times with the parents. I am sure Daughter and Niece bite their tongues with me. But do joke with me when my father comes out in me.
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  11. Your father was clearly amazingly unaware of your aversion to having him around for so long. Good that you finally got up the courage to confront him. Of course I never had that problem with my own father as we were estranged for some 20 years.

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    1. He was oblivious Nick, a very righteous kind of guy with no emotional windows, except for the odd leak. Wound very tight. I remember you writing about your father. Also emotionally unavailable. Par for the course for their era.

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  12. I am sorry for and about your Dad and sorrier about your loss of yet another friend...

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