Friday, November 28, 2008

The Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper

People ask me about God.

What do you believe?

Do you have a deity?

Are you a lapsed Catholic?


1. expired; voided; terminated: a lapsed insurance policy.
2. no longer committed to or following the tenets of a particular belief, obligation, position, etc.: a lapsed Catholic.

Well, yeah, I guess you could call me that.

Personally, I’d prefer the word “recovered” though, if you don’t mind.

re·cov·er v. tr.

1. To get back; regain.
2. To restore (oneself) to a normal state: He recovered himself after a slip on the ice.
3. To compensate for: She recovered her losses.
4. To procure (usable substances, such as metal) from unusable substances, such as ore or waste.
5. To bring under observation again: "watching the comet since it was first recovered—first spotted since its 1910 visit" (Christian Science Monitor).
v. intr.

1. To regain a normal or usual condition, as of health.
2. To receive a favorable judgment in a lawsuit.

As in: I’m now restored to a normal state.

I’m in fit mental condition.

I believe in logic.

I believe in science.

What’s that you say?
No, I don’t believe in religion.
Yes. Of any kind.
Yeah, it does seem that that’s hard for you to believe.
What’s that about the bible?
It was written for people like me?
By whom?
No, I don’t think God wrote it.
Oh, he dictated it?
How do you know that?
Oh, the bible says so?
Well, that doesn’t compute for me, that logic thing I have. Sorry.

Thanks for asking. But if I did believe in God the whole scene would go like this:

My god has no religion.
My god has no gender.
My god has no agenda.

Basically I don’t believe in an Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper or ICH for short. Especially one who is always whining for more money and the biggest fanciest house in the poorest neighbourhood.

Blasphemy you say?

Well, I’m quite cool with that.

No, really I am.

And another thing I really believe in, you want to hear it?

My rights end exactly where yours begin.



    I love the term Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper.

    When people tell me that I will go to hell for not believing, I say, no I won't because if there is God and is almighty and knowledgable as she is, then she will also know my doubts and reasonings in not believing. I hate it when religion is shoved down people's throats with the threat of hell or promise of heaven. That's why the only reason I went to a church was the take pictures because it was wonderful architecture. And that's why I'd never go to a mosque is because they don't even let you take pictures!

    My term for religion is Organised Crime.

    And I will not, I repeat, I will not ever follow a book written by a man for the "man"kind.

    That's all I have to say about that! :)


    PS: I must add, I do respect people who believe and people's believes, as long as they are not trying to impose whatever it is they believe on me...

  2. As you know, I also find the whole idea of an all-knowing supreme being one of the best jokes ever. I get my inspiration from Buddha, who didn't talk of a supreme being but of being a light unto oneself, simply doing what comes naturally and suits your personality. Of course as with every other celeb his thoughts have been misused and perverted by many so-called Buddhists but I ignore all that.

  3. This may be the most succinct writing on this topic I have ever heard.

    That could have been me talking, except I never thought of such a clever name as "Invisible Cosmic Housekeeper". Wish I had.

    Thanks for sharing. I always enjoy reading your blog.

  4. Yes, Gaye, I'm quite proud of ICH myself!!It's the attempt at imposition of others' belief systems on me I find offensive. And there is NEVER any respect given to hard core atheists. It's like we are a sub-species of humanity.

  5. Nick:
    Yes, the higher self. I so totally agree. I think religion holds so many back from being their very best selves.

  6. Well said/written. I think you might like the poem by Phyllis McGinley that I have posted today, apropos of an email exchange with a fellow-atheist. Love ICH - you should try to copyright it!

  7. I couldn't find an email link on your page, so came over again to say thanks for your visit to my humble blog and your nice comments.

    I am of Irish descent, raised in the UP of Michigan. You can probably guess by the size of the family, we were Roman catholic. I think I spent as much time in church and/or in school with the nuns as I did on the baseball diamond.

    I'd love to see your part of the world.

    Your blog is a delight.

  8. Brilliant, WWW! Absolutely brilliant!

    I came to yours after reading this -

    Your piece meant that I narrowly avoided going back and leaving a VERY rude comment about that driver! Thank you for kepin' it real, WWW. Here on "the buckle of the bible-belt" it can get quite hairy at times. :-)

  9. Thanks Tessa. I've been thinking I should copyright, good idea.

  10. OMFG, T, OMFG!!!
    And that's all I have to say on that link!!

  11. Thanks for a fantastic post! I wish I could use that argument with my mother (very strong CofE) without being cut out of her will...
    I love the idea of the ICH - I always thought that the idea of praying to a "physical God" (if you like) was on a par with the person believing being about 2 years old - "My life has gone wrong, but Mummy/Daddy/God will fix it".

    I've lost count of the number of times I've been told that I will go to Hell for not being a Christian - however, my usual response is that if Heaven contains people like the person I'm talking to, then I really don't want to be there anyway!

  12. Jo:
    Thank you.
    And I also have tremendous difficulty with the arrogance of prayer or the magic of intercession with the ICH.
    Like I've been saved from a death on the highway in an accident whilst some other poor schlub has been rendered into toast by a truck?
    And you're right, I would never want to meet those sanctimonious types on the other side, AKA "The Chosen".
    Unchoose me, please!


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