I took these three things in hand tonight and headed up to the Tigeen at the crest of the hill behind my house. I was feeling terribly sad. Loss does this.
We have smog from the awful Labrador and Quebec wildfires which has drifted downward from there, many kilometres. It makes of the bay a magical place. Headlands disappear and the sun does strange things, peeking outwards from the smog and hiding again. A golden glow washes the water followed by a pink bath. Nothing is clear. If I were a painter I would set up an easel right there on the wee deck of the Tigeen and get cracking. As it was, I lit the candle and wrote in my journal. Of grief and loss and what it does to the insides, how it bathes everything in uncertainty, much like the drifting smoke that travelled so far south with the winds and the breezes and the currents of the ocean. Who is to peek inside another's heart?
I came back down to the main house and shared a few bits on Facebook, about the awful fiery explosions in Quebec from the train wreck, loaded with fracked oil. So many dead or missing. Perspective.
And then an old friend from Ontario called. Late-ish. And in the way of dear old friends, soothed my spirit, patted me down, reassured me of my value to her. I so needed that. And I told her so.
Solitude can sometimes be a fearsome thing.
Wish I could be there with you to keep you company and help lift your spirits.
ReplyDeleteSolitude is not always a good thing, I am finding out now that I am so much in company of another. It helps if you can share your worries and your grief instead of internalizing them. It gives them back their human proportions and makes you feel more "normal."
ReplyDeleteThank you Hattie, what a lovely thought!
ReplyDeleteXO
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Irene:
ReplyDeleteVery well said. I very much miss the long term friendships I had in Ontario. The long shared histories. The understanding. The inner voices, lately, have been far too loud.
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We are indeed social animals. Solitude can be quite refreshing and creative for a while, but then it palls and we need to share ourselves with others.
ReplyDeleteWhat I would love is to be within walking distance of my women friends! Near a lovely little cafe where we could meet every morning. But for us to get together requires emails and phone calls and a date. Still, it's worth it when we do it!
ReplyDeleteI'm with someone 24/7 so the days I get to be alone are nice. But I would not like it full time. Even when I think I would like living alone I remember the days I did and realize how good it is just to have someone to watch a movie with. Of course, the cats like to watch movies too but their English isn't that great no matter how good they are at making their needs known.
You seem to have a lot of friends, and a theater company. But sometimes it is just good to have someone a short walk down the road. I guess with the internet we're all on a virtual road that stretches all around the world.
I recently watched a TED talk (http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html) that gave new meaning to solitude if one focuses on what she says about the right brain. I love my solitude and rarely feel the need to change it but that may be because three days a week I live in a household with two wee ones, my daughter, and her husband and there isn't a moment of quiet or solitude to be found!
ReplyDeleteNick:
ReplyDeleteI get into that 5% of time where I have trouble with the solitude but 95% of the time I love it.
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Sharyn:
ReplyDeleteAs time goes on here out on the edge I'm finding more and more kindred spirits and I am so grateful for that. But all at a distance, unfortunately. And like I say it's only 5% of the time, the rest of it I am very content.
I hear you on the need for more solitude.
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Pauline:
ReplyDeleteYes, I've seen that TED a few times, extraordinary.
And when we're surrounded by noise we can crave the solitude, I've been there too. I grew up in a house where solitude was very hard to find and then years of childraising, etc. And I do love my life. Most of the time.
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"Language... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone."
ReplyDeletePaul Tillich
Ramana:
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes the two crash into each other. Like recently for me. :)
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Fearsome indeed. Sometimes I thrive on solitude, other times I really need company.
ReplyDeleteSAW:
ReplyDeleteAnd the times are unexpected - I wish I could sort them and plot these times!
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