"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions." - Hamlet.
There are so few people to run to when your heart breaks. At least for me.
My first thought, like a homing pigeon, was my sister. And she's out, wherever, whatever, 'tis the season.
Then my best friend.
Crazy that last thought. For my heart breaks for her. I can't run to her anymore. Or she to me.
I haven't written about her in a while. I wanted to live in my fantasy world where all would be well and she would be miraculously cured and we'd be back to the world of our daily emails with our lives laid bare to each other.
I had a long conversation with her husband today.
And it's dreadful news indeed.
The waiting game has started.
A tiny part of me knew this but I'd look at her picture on my wall and say: "Not you. Never you."
"Her life was writ so large!" said her husband a few hours ago.
Yes, it was. Like yesterday, I can still recall her running beside me as I biked home from school. In our over 65 years of friendship I don't recall us once having a fight or disagreement. We traded clothes and boyfriends and would comfort each other in the early losses of our mothers. We acted on stage together. We sang together. And on. Far, far too much.
So here I am blogging.
I don't feel there is anywhere else to turn to at the moment.
My dear long-distance friend, my heart is with you. I lost my best friend 10 years ago to a ravaging cancer, and I thought that if she could die, then the earth could implode, gravity could give up its hold on us, rivers would run up stream, and my heart would never be whole again. No one will replace your friend in your dear heart. And your heart will expand beyond all imagination because she will fill it with every joy and now with the deepest grief. You will feel every day how blessed you are to be so loved. The love continues even when the person is gone. You wait for this final thing between you, and I wait with you and everyone who loves you waits with you. My heart is holding your heart. Can you feel it beat?
ReplyDeleteLife can feel so cruel at times. I empathise with you in your loss. We lose someone from an earlier life and nobody around us today, knows how deep the loss goes. My candle burns for you tonight. Take care, my friend.
ReplyDeleteSomehow....I often gravitate toward your blog.....even in sorrow. I, have lost many I have loved....some to death....some to mental illness....some to addiction...and especially at this time of year the loss is particularly acute.
ReplyDeleteLooking around at all the festivity around me I, too, find it hard to fit in...and just go through my days till the beginning of a New Year and life somehow can begin anew.
Take care sweet lady......you were truly blessed to have such a longtime friend. She must have been truly special.
Jo
I'm sorry to hear your 65 years of close friendship seem to be rapidly fading. Especially sad that she was such a live wire and enjoying life to the full when the blow suddenly fell. And how hard when you have no one else to confide in. Tragic news indeed.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. You seem to be having more than your share of sorrows right now. This is sometimes the way things go, more than you can bear sometimes......
ReplyDeleteMaggie x
Floated to your blog from another one where I often see your posts.
ReplyDeleteI cannot comprehend the sadness with which you are doing your best to get through each day.
Just for today...know you move people whom you've never met
yet they admire your courage from afar. Doesn't mean it feels good or even okay most of the time but you are still here for some purpose.
Be well...
Don't know why, but it's a season of loss, and my arms reach out and pull your broken heart close. Comes a time when there's no one left who shared your childhood, and believe me it's not a loss to be taken lightly. It's like tearing part of your very being out. You have many out "here" to turn to, not the same, but here nonetheless.
ReplyDeletePlease take extra care of yourself these next few days/ weeks/ months, because this kind of loss really does impact your health.
Hugs, through tears for your grief.. from out west.
Hi. I am so sorry that your facing this dilemma. I follow you with interest. I have been married to a Newfie for 50 years. His elder sister lives in St. John's. Losing people who have been a part of our lives is a terrible ordeal. Words cannot help much, but sometimes they are all we have to express our understanding and sympathy. Again, I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteShould have proofread. Sorry you're facing....
ReplyDeleteYes it's a joyous season but also a sad one,full of the ghosts of Christmases past.
ReplyDeleteThere never is in such moments.
ReplyDeleteI'm very sorry about your friend. Makes my heart ache to read it.
ReplyDeleteSo painful. Feel our internet arms around your shoulder Wise - and take good care of you.
ReplyDeletelove,
Betty
I'm up late tonight, struggling, and thought to re-read posts I hadn't yet commented on. I was sad to read this post, hoping against all hope that your dear friend would recover. I have been thinking of you and send my thoughts your way ~
ReplyDelete