Free-floating anxiety.
Fear.
Nerves.
Uncertainty.
Hesitation.
I am rattled. Yes, there's a lot on the desk. Scads of tax-work to do. Editing. Planning. Grant applications. If I shared it all it would make your head explode. So I won't. I'll just try and glue my own head together.
Overlaying all of it, constantly, is worry about my disappeared daughter. I was able to track her doings on Twitter and a few more professional sites for a few years. But it is nearly 60 days now and her Twitter account has not been updated and she is no longer a member of the other sites.
And my head can't take this constant barrage of 'what ifs' that I've had in the last two weeks. Through the wonder of this technological age I observed a flutter of activity and accusations as she barged off a film set half way through production a couple of months ago. At the time I thought, OMG, she's at it again, this is kinda sorta public, she will get blacklisted by the film industry. How we do one thing is how we do all things. She's blacklisted her entire family. She's been barging off, huffy, since she was two years old. Nothing has changed. I get so scared for her.
Do we ever stop being parents? No. I'd like to stop. I'd like to be a wise old crone and que sera, sera myself into karmic bliss. But I can't when it comes to my kids.
I find this whole not knowing about her well-being, ill-being, is affecting my perception of everything. The dog threw up all over my bed the other night. Barf bed. Yeah. Horrible. And I must have cried for two hours. My dog was dying. But only in my head.
(Ansa is just fine, she probably ate something on the shore that had been dead for a month and decided to share a midnight feed with me).
My elder daughter had a severe episode of her MS (necessitating emergency intervention) when I was in Toronto last month and my mind keeps going back to that. She is fine too and off with her dad and her daughter (Grandgirl) on March break in Montreal as I write.
I'm just niggling away at all worrisome things at the moment and need to put a positive spin on my life.
All is seriously well. Really. Isn't it amazing what can do one's head in, in spite of this?
And there's nothing I can do about any of it.
That awful feeling of helplessness - it feels worse, sometimes, than what is actually happening, doesn't it. The world seems an unkind, unfair place at such times. I am hoping you hear about the missing daughter and it will ease your anxiety, hoping that the daughter with MS has equal periods of well-being, and that Ansa throws up on the floor next time.
ReplyDeleteYou will never stop being a mother; you may never be a wise old crone, but as long as you know the worry can only serve you just so long, which seems evident here, you'll be okay. Sending happy thoughts your way.
One of my sons disappeared for a couple of years, none of us knew where he was or what had happened to him. In desperation I contacted the police in the last place I knew he lived. After a couple of months the police contacted me and let me know he was alive and well.
ReplyDeleteThey did not give me his contact info presumably out of respect for my son's privacy, but it was a big relief to know that he was at least alive. In his own time he eventually re-established contact.
As it turned out, his long disappearance started out as shame over some things that had happened in his life and then as time went by it just became very hard for him to pick up the phone and call someone. A new girlfriend convinced him that that was just not on if he expected to have a relationship with her.
Call the police.
I've heard it said that all souls choose the conditions of themselves before they come to earth...each and every condition which it needs to work on to help itself evolve to the next level, and each chooses the exact right connections with all other souls to help with that. Perhaps your "huffy" daughter needs the independence and distance to work this out, your daughter with MS may need your closeness for the same reason and you need both to learn a balance between the two? Who knows what you will someday see when your spiritual form looks back at the full tapestry of your life lived as the small corner you are looking at right now seems so out of kilter. I know you feel this life is all there is, but we can none of us prove it either way for sure, so there is always the possibility, right? Remember any scientist will tell you energy never goes away only changes form and will also tell you that is what you really are, energy...so I'm puttin' out some of my energy to ease your soul and ask the universe to get you some 911 on your daughter today. Your wonderful blog has eased my soul many times only fair I should try to do the same for you. Namaste :)
ReplyDeleteno we never stop worrying, i don't think there is anything that feeds my anxiety and worry more than my Son and now my grandchildren. I hope you hear something about your daughter soon and that your other daughter stays well
ReplyDeleteI'd be worried myself after such a long silence. I hope she turns up again. I think you'd be right to call the police, even if she saw that as intruding on her privacy. As her mother, surely you have at least the right to know she's alive and well, despite her wanting to be left alone.
ReplyDeleteVery sorry about trouble landing on you all at once,WWW.
ReplyDeleteYes most of us never stop being a parent.I know that with two sons in their fifties I still worry about them and about some decisions they make.
I hope things soon improve for you.
I would be worried sick too. That is what parents do. It must be more difficult for you as you had posted about this earlier. You are handling it alright. Just stay there and let the grass grow by itself. It will.
ReplyDeleteI have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
ReplyDeleteSome come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!
~Dr. Seuss
Hoping all things will improve or sort themselves out for you ere
long, dear WWW.
I understand. I wish I didn't. My heart is with you and your daughters.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have your troubles to seek.
ReplyDeleteIf she's interested, at least she'll know you want her - and if she's looking back later - she'll know that you always did.
Most likely she's just off giving her head a bit of peace.
Best wishes.
What can one say that hasn't already been said? As a parent, you have my utmost sympathy. I tell my wife frequently, "If I have my time over again - no kids, definitely not, not a one, not ever, no how!"
ReplyDeleteShe just nods, and says, "Yeh, right."
She knows me better than I do.
AS for the other stuff, I find that old AA/Al-Anon saying very helpful:
"One day at a time; one day at at a time."
Please feel better soon.
Virtual Hugs. I wish I could ease your pain.
ReplyDeleteThis takes me back to the years we all suffered through when my 25 year old daughter got breast cancer. She came through it fine, but what torture.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your troubles.