I stalk my estranged daughter on line. I can no longer call her missing. I found her about a year ago on Instagram and I have learned from a past idiocy of mine about 7 years ago when I followed her on Twitter. Big mistake. She blocked me and went underground again. And I had this underlying sick feeling of anxiety about her for 5 years.
I am overjoyed. Knowing she's alive as she was a suicide risk.
I know these life slivers about her:
She still lives in the same city in the UK.
She has a cat, and, I think, a partner.
She owns at least 2 pairs of shoes as she likes to take pictures of her shoes in odd areas.
Her beloved dog died.
She loves graffiti.
She eats Indian food.
Some of her more careful studies of scenes are quite wonderful. I see the world through her eyes and marvel at our similarities.
She highlights signs like "Bollox to Brexit. Bollox to Trump." That's my girl.
She's still a strong feminist and catches misogyny in plain sight for her camera.
Life can be about slivers whether joy or sadness.
Today I celebrate those slivers. They can pierce. But they are precious.
I realise how precious are these 'slivers' to you WWW. The teeniest,tiniest sliver can carry strong, meaningful flavours way beyond the size of it.
ReplyDeleteYes, I do enlarge them T and I am so grateful that I have them. It was agony not knowing whether she was alive or dead. I am careful not to let her know I follow her. Grandgirl walked me through making unconscious "tells".
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What are those, WWW? -Kate
DeletePrecious, painful slivers indeed. I am so glad you have them and know (despite the estrangement) just how similiar you are.
ReplyDeleteYes of my two daughters she was the most like me. I will never understand the estrangement to me as she was quite verbal when she estranged her sister, her father, all her relatives and friends. She never did so to me. Just silently deleted me from her life.
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Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring are flowing your way.
DeleteI didn't realize you weren't the only one she cut off. But I'm sure glad you're able to know she's all right. -Kate
DeleteThanks EC and Kate - I find it is good to dilute the emotion around this as there are those out there with the same situation who can write to me.
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Thank goodness for the small things and the interwebs.
ReplyDeleteI make a sigh of relief on your behalf that she is out there. And you have a bit of insight to her life.
I am sorry you are estranged. Wish her luck in her life and the wisdom to find her mother or maybe it is maturity I wish her. Hugs to you .
I have no idea what she imagines we have done to her. Daughter has said "we can't seem to love her in the way she needs to be loved." I do like that. 'Twas always thus from since she was a tiny wee girlie.
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It is such a huge relief to know that a missing child is alive and if not happy at least functional! I think in this case stalking is legitimate. While she might want to deny her connection to you, it sounds like she carries you within her.
ReplyDeleteOur similarities are strong. She is also knitting. I never thought she'd pick that up. But hey, genetics are powerful.
DeleteI have no idea how adrift she must feel. Untethered so to speak.
And yes it is a massive relief.
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Of course I do not know the backstory, though I can imagine. I like the slivers analogy, which you can line up and trace out into so many good ends, the most important being life.
ReplyDeleteNot much a of backstory Joanne, she cut us all off without warning. I was the last. Her sister was the first.
DeleteYes I love these slivers, they give me comfort. Not knowing was hell.
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I am really happy that you found ut all those small, but oh, so meaningful slivers. Aren't you afraid of her "back-stalking" you (aka reading your blog) and cutting off your access to those slivers when you post here? I would be so afraid to make just one wrong move, signs of life is the equivalent of hope, I well know.
ReplyDeleteI don't think she reads my blog. I truly believe she has no curiosity about her family. She has been brutal to aunts and uncles as well. Her email to her father way back years ago on Father's Day was devastating.
DeleteShe was very close to him at one point and he wasn't the most engaged of dads when the marriage broke up.
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She may not be part of your life, but at least you know she's out there and doing alright.
ReplyDeleteExactly River, and I am so grateful for that.
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They are precious indeed.
ReplyDeleteYes, more than I can articulate.
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ReplyDeleteSo happy for you that she is not a total mystery.
ReplyDeleteI like you
and I like her
but do not like the pain you have suffered over the years.
I don't like it either Ernestine, no one ever promised us a rose garden as the old song goes. If there was anything within my power to change it I would.
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Glad you found her online and that she is not suicidal.
ReplyDeleteMe too, it doesn't appear to be that way at last. I cling to the slivers.
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