And days go by and I think I'm dealing well with it. And then I'm caught sideways and I just want to cry all day long under the covers.
Any friend I would have shared this maelstrom of feelings with is gone.
I had to force myself out the door today and then pull over several times in the car as grief just overwhelmed me. To say I was shocked and, yes, ashamed, is to understate it. The day was glorious which made it even more poignant. The two words "Never Again" kept reverberating in my head.
Some emotional states you can't think or reason your way out of. It just takes you like a tide of longing and despair. I haven't felt that alone in a long, long time. It's a horrible feeling.
And I go into this cheap dollar shop, I'm sure I was a total mess but I didn't care. I wandered uselessly in the aisles, talking inwardly (I hope) to my dear, lost BFF, when a voice hailed me by name and I cringed as I turned to face her and drew a blank. I had to sort through all the filing cabinets in my head and there are many. You come to a new province and meet well over a 1,000 people and it's difficult to place them. My daughter was on TV and that was her opening gambit. And then she fell into her proper file box - a member of my book club but she hasn't been for 6 months.
I yanked myself forcibly out of my own pit of despair long enough to notice how dreadful she looked and discovered she'd had multiple serious surgeries, been divorced from Husband # 2 and husband #1, father of her kids, had died. Plus her only son, brother to her two daughters is transitioning to female.
Reluctantly, feeling whiny and rather stupid, I filled her in on my year so far and you know what she said?
"You must feel like a cork bobbing on an ocean, all adrift, all by yourself, pretending most of the time you're fine when you're not. Not at all."
And she gave me one of those hugs that lasts and lasts. And I attempted a joke about her taking me home and she said:
"Anytime, honey, anytime. There's always a chair at my table and a spare bed somewhere upstairs."
And slowly I felt much better, her kindness so genuine in the midst of her own anxieties and troubles, a fragile connection with all that's so good in the universe.
How wonderfully kind of her. I'm glad that you found someone to give you a hug and an encouraging word on a bad day. I sincerely hope you feel better tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteTake care, sweet lady.
Yes, I am far less frightened today, thank you Jennifer. At times like those I envy ones who have a life partner who might take the intensity of such feelings away. But I do know the converse of such situations too unfortunately where one could feel worse.
DeleteThanks for your lovely thoughts.
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Hang in there, girlysue.
ReplyDeleteYup much better today, I am so glad these feelings don't develop into full on Black Dog.
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The sun is coming up over the bay, all apricot and peach, and I'm pondering how we might very well have talked all night, were you here, despite both liking our beds. You have had a hard, crappy, mean year. I'm just about to pour my first coffee and take it to the chesterfield to watch the dawn. I'll send you love on those same beams.
ReplyDeleteI felt the love Jan - what a wordsmith you are, I saw those colours, that sunrise :)
DeleteThank you my friend :)
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ReplyDeleteIt's shite when you feel shite. No two dimes about it.
ReplyDeleteTrouble is - and I may have related this to you before - that grief is stubborn. Oh do I laugh when they comfort you with "time is a great healer". Sure. But first you have to overcome TIME. A few years ago I was forced to bury the living. Took me three years, three years of my life, without any help from the one who started the whole saga, to get over a loss. I deliberately say "a" loss, not "the" loss. What I can't forgive my sister that she made my son witness to my barely disguised daily tears for three years. I dare say there is little love lost from him for his aunt. Now, my dear WWW, my troubled emotions have calmed. I wish you the same.
Hug,
U
Thank you Ursula, no time does not heal, it scabs over at times, or creates painful scar tissue. My losses linger deep in my spirit.
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Grief is a wily nemesis, appearing at the most inconvenient times uninvited and staying long past what's appropriate. We feel what we feel. What I have heard from the most compassionate people who know what they're talking about is that it takes the time it takes and we need to be gentle with ourselves. My daughter keeps suggesting that I might find a therapist helpful. I have been down that road so many times that I know what those conversations will be. What I find helpful is connecting with people who knows how this feels. Your words brought comfort with tears this morning. Thank you for sharing your moment in time. I, too, am glad you got a hug. Sending one from across the miles to you ~
ReplyDeleteThank you Sharon, yes being with others in pain can be so comforting and validating. Being around people who can jump on your grief and make it feel far, far worse can be fatal, to this over-sensitive anyway. I am very careful with myself in such times. What I am missing more than anything is the enormous history with the 3 dear ones I lost in the past 8 months. I feel so lost as a result. They were supportive and loving and just good people.
DeleteBroken hearts break wide open again from time to time. Without warning.
Thank you for sharing your moment with me.
Sending you a huge virtual hug.
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So sweet, so lovely and so perfect. A typical Newfoundlander way with words!
ReplyDeleteWhen I feel down in Barrie I go to the grocery stores [the people in this city/town have a habit of smiling at you as if you were an old friend - sometimes with a Hello or some words - sometimes just the smile. So nice! - I am developing the same habit!].
Can you imagine I am going to a meeting for Terminally ill people this morning. I have COPD - moderate to severe. Not too bad yet but I am interested in knowing how other people handle this label. If you smoke do try and stop!
Yes, here we have much the same interaction with strangers, smiles and words from strangers.
DeleteI just sent you a message re your meeting. Goodness Betty, you have me alarmed. You are such a special talented lady and have inspired me on so many different days.
Take care of you and big hugs.
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Thank you special friend
ReplyDeleteunderstand you deeply.
RA pain continues at a strong level
and slight fever and told this is all normal for this condition
Sure hope so...
OWJ: I hear and read under the lines you write. Some days are worse than others for many of us whether internal or external. No free rides, yeah?
DeleteI know you made a brave decision not to take the more dangerous drugs.
I do hope you're sleeping my friend.
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It’s almost a cliché when that happens. A bad day and then, pow, some kind person makes it all better and we cry even more.
ReplyDeleteThat was my thought too Friko - almost afraid to say it. I feel like a walking cliché and yes, I did cry today too but remembered to email her just to say thanks for that precious hug and her lovely words.
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Just being understood means so much.
ReplyDeleteSo true Hattie, I've felt far too often that I wander alone in the wilderness and need to be reminded that there are those who really care.
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They are there and do appear just when you need them. What happens often is that we do not recognise them in our own wallowing in self pity.
ReplyDeleteRamana:
DeleteNothing wrong with self-pity is there. I am sorry for the huge voids that these dear friends have left in me which nothing seems to fill on some days. Other days are better. The human condition. I think it also sharpens me to the pain in others. At least I hope so.
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I'm having a teary day myself today...Losses take their tolls...You are fortunate to have found a friend who understands this...My last post and exhaustion was the tipping point, but sometimes, I have no idea and just go with it, all one can do, really. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear this E. My delusion was in thinking it was behind me. Not at all. Not even close. Go on with it or succumb to it. I realize now how people go mad from it. It's a lonely old life sometimes, yeah? And so very few we can count on to shoulder us through.
DeleteHugs.
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Eventually I am getting round to reading and commenting. I hope tomorrow will be an easier one for you. Thanks for your csaring while I was quiet.
ReplyDeleteIf I don't see you popping up, GM, I tend to worry - so I will pester until you surface and I'm so very glad the procedures were successful :)
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I've been a bit under the weather the last month and haven't been checking blogs as I usually do. What a rough time you have had. Anticipating your friend's death does not make it any easier. While dreary weather can add to our grief, beautiful weather doesn't exactly waft it away, either.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that Linda - I hope you're on the mend. Life throws us for a loop sometimes.
DeleteWeather makes no difference really in the grief process just makes it all the guiltier for some reason..
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Hello WWW. Sorry to hear you've been in such a fug lately. Just goes to show the truth of the fact there's always someone worse off though. But maybe you have a new friend at least. One who understands. Sounds like she had good reason for skipping the book club for a few months. I hope both your luck improves.
ReplyDeleteIt has to be uphill Laura, thanks for your kind words, we've emailed each other and getting together for a cuppa soon.
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God bless her! She's living that quote I love about the three most important things in the world ---#1 - be kind; 32 be kind; #3 be kind. So sorry you lost your best friend. Another hug from here...
ReplyDeleteThanks Molly, yes she was so kind like someone had put me to bed with a hot water bottle and a lemon drink and tucked me in.
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