We are a sad, sad, species.
Why?
I have to question the sanity of us all when a helpless 19 year old girl moves far, far away from her family 50 years ago to give birth to a child "out of wedlock". Her parents and friends don't know about the pregnancy. It would be a cause of enormous shame and embarrassment. Girls who got pregnant without the sanctity of the ring around their fingers were sluts and the parents who gave birth to these sluts were shamed and often shunned. The tentacles and condemnation and judgement of the RC church was everywhere, even in Canada. Especially in Montreal.
So this 19 year old found an obscure town on a map of Ontario and gave birth in the local small town hospital and insisted on keeping the child. She had to fight to keep this baby as the chaplain and the holy sisters of the hospital were adamant in their lectures about the "child's best interests."
She left the hospital with the baby in a blanket and caught a bus to her rooming house and her money was running out so she asked around, in shops and the neighbourhood, about a private care home for the child and found one. She then secured a job in a nearby city. And commuted to her rooming house and paid the care home for the 5 day care of her daughter. She'd pick her up on Friday night and then spend the weekend with her. And this went on for 9 months, her life revolving around her job with its long hours, the minescule paycheques, the payment to the care home and her weekends with the baby.
And then, out of the blue, the temporary care parents took her to court. They said the child was upset at being disrupted every weekend. They didn't think the mother was fit. Their children were grown and gone. They could dedicate themselves to ensuring this child had a better quality of life than what this irresponsible single mother was offering.
And the 19 year old pleaded at the judge's bench she had to work to support the child, she saw her every chance she got, she was studying every night of the week after work so that the two of them could have a better life, maybe a live-in nanny.
Her tears and eventual sobs fell on deaf ears. The judge ruled in the care couple's favour and they could proceed with formally adopting the child. The mother was classified as unfit.
Years later, years and years, she reconnected with the child. The child refused to meet with her. Over and over and over again.
She said she would never, ever forgive her for "giving her up," even when she knew she was dying.
The other side of this story has never been written.
And I wish it was.
What a sad ending to such a sad tale. Too often in this world of ours decisions regarding a child's welfare are the WRONG ONES. People are so very hurt in the process and the wounds seem unable to heal.
ReplyDeleteJo
I know Jo. As you say, these wounds never heal and are carried forever and often acted out in terrible ways. I just finished writing a eulogy for this wonderful woman and I cried all through it.
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Life sure as hell isn't fair, is it. And it's so wrong sometimes.
ReplyDeleteTerribly wrong with catastrophic effects on all concerned. This particular instant of it has grieved me for years. You don't recover from this, it shaped my friend.
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Where I live and work this is still a common story. Every aboriginal parent in this country lives under the constant threat of being deemed unfit and having their children ripped from their arms. Mostly they are raised in a place the parents can't access (there were approximately 46 children from the coast of Labrador being fostered in Roddickton last year!) and often without their language or any of their culture. That's why I get mental when people ask me about the Truth & Reconciliation report. How can there be reconciliation when it still continues?
ReplyDeleteI'm deeply sorry and appalled at what your friend endured and horrified that the people who raised her daughter were so lacking in confidence that they had to villify her mother. What a tragedy -everyone lost.
You see it first hand Jan. It is heartbreaking. I know many victims of the "rez" situation and it ripples onwards through the generations. It is criminal what was done to the most vulnerable. My friend included.
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There are so many horror stories from the time when giving birth "out of wedlock" was still seen as deeply shameful. The emotional scars left on all those involved were dreadful. As Jan says, why did the care couple have to vilify her mother? Wasn't ripping her away from her real parent enough for them?
ReplyDeleteThe rage of the daughter was insurmountable Nick and my friend tried and tried. I would love to know what she was told, it must have been horrific.
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So Sad..
ReplyDeleteWe are stories Ernestine, aren't we? It's not our bodies that will be remembered but our stories.
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Very often the legal system delivers judgements but does not deliver justice. There are stories like this in all cultures and countries and when you know one of the affected parties, the question that you ask as to why the story of the other side does not get heard is a poignant reminder of our vulnerability.
ReplyDeleteSo true Ramana, and it has happened to my female friends more often than I care to count. Condemned to a lifetime of pain because they dared to bring a child into the world alone.
Deletethe question I invariably ask is :Where on earth are the father, why are they not accountable in this picture?
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